Chasing Cars
by GraveDancer
Summary: Set 5 years after Losing My Religion. Meredith moved away but she returns home for the funeral of a loved one, and with a surprise for Derek.
1. Alone

**Disclaimer: Shonda Rimes is a genius. I just borrow her characters sometimes . . . so please no law suits.**

**This takes place post season 2 finale. I don't think this is actually going to happen, nor would I really want it too. It was just an idea in my head. And since I have writer's block for my other one I decided to write it. Btw this is going to be a lot more on the angsty side than my other one ("Their Ferry Boats")**

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Derek's POV:

They were gathered in the Chief's office, the group that still remained at Seattle Grace. "Someone should call Meredith," I quietly suggested, "She should know."

"I'll call," George volunteered, "Unless . . . unless you want to, Dr. Shepherd."

"No, no. You go ahead O'Malley." I said with a sigh. I sunk down into the chair in front of the desk and looked at the distraught faces surrounding me. Burke sat behind the desk, Cristina's hand resting on his shoulder. Mark and Addison stood off to the side, Alex in the chair beside him, Izzie and Bailey standing behind him. The office felt empty without the presence of Webber.

"I can't believe . . . it was so sudden," Addison said, turning to Mark for comfort.

"It just feels so wrong." Izzie said with a shudder.

"What are we going to do now?" Burke asked, looking at me for the answers.

I remained silent, wondering how Meredith would take the news that the man who had been like a father to her was now dead. She would be devastated. But she would pretend she was fine, pretend she was strong, that was his Meredith, I thought with a laugh to myself. Of course, she wasn't mine anymore. I hadn't seen her in 5 years, but the feelings hadn't changed, not a bit. I loved her still.

Now it seemed like I was going to see her again.

_I'd loved her always_

_she didn't know_

_I tried patience_

_let a friendship grow_

_I tried to keep her_

_that's what made her go_

Meredith's POV:

I felt tears burn the back of my eyes as I hung up the phone. Richard Webber, the man my mother had loved and the man that was like a father to me, had died suddenly of a heart attack the night before. It just seemed so unreal. But George had called. Made sure I knew what was going on. It had happened, and now I had to go back. Back to Seattle.

It had been five years since I had been there, five years ago that I had run from my problems and started a new life in Detroit.

After that night in the lobby, when Denny had died and I was forced to chose between Derek and Finn, I had avoided everyone and everything. Gone to the hospital and done my job, trying to stay as far away as Dr. Shepherd as I could. I didn't need to have that conversation. I talked to Finn in spurts, rushing him off the phone, saying I was too busy or too tired to see him. I didn't need to have that conversation either.

Derek had been strong enough to make a choice, I wasn't sure I had the same strength.

And then a month had passed, and I found myself throwing up in a toilet every morning. I found myself in line at the pharmacy buying a test. And I found myself asking for a transfer to another city, any city and telling my roommates they could keep the house. I found myself leaving without telling Derek. That was another conversation I didn't need to have.

"Mommy!" my 4 year old daughter yelled from the other room. "Come play!"

I wiped the tears from my eyes and went to find her, to play and explain the trip we'd have to take, back to Seattle.

To go say goodbye to her Grandpa Richard. And to see the father that didn't know she existed.

**It was pretty short, but longer chapters are coming, just let me know what you think of this one. Reviews are my drug. Lol. Actually GA and the sex scene are my drug . . .but I do love reviews!**


	2. Angel

**Disclaimer: Same as the first chapter.**

**This chapter may seem a little confusing so you may want an explanation. Mer's POV is the exact exact same scene as Derek's. It's just from both of their perspectives. So it's not happening twice, just happening to both of them. If that makes sense, lol. But read . . it's good.**

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Meredith's POV:

It was raining. The rain fell down on the black umbrella I held over my head. I stood in the back, alone. My old friends didn't know that I was back. I had left Emily with an old colleague of my mom's that I had always been close to. I couldn't imagine dragging my daughter to a funeral.

I glanced through my tears towards the front of the crowd. Adele was holding on to Addison and sobbing. Addison was interestingly standing with Mark. My fellow former interns, my "family", was standing together. I smiled through my tears, realizing how nice it was to see them again. I had avoided them earlier, but knew I wanted to see them, to have them meet my little princess, and for her to meet the people I always considered her aunts and uncles. That could wait for after.

My eyes fell on the lone figure, standing near the front but off to the side. The dark curls, so much like my daughter's, were being soaked from the rain. He looked heartbroken and destroyed. Alone. His gaze turned towards me, I whipped my head in the other direction.

The service was over. All my old friends took a turn placing a flower on the coffin and walking away, heading home to the warmth. I stood there. Alone. Watching as the workers filled the whole, leaving only a tombstone to remember my, well I never knew really what to call him, by.

"Meredith?" I heard from beside me. I didn't have to look to know who it was.

"Derek." I said, trying to sound calm but I could hear my voice breaking. I had been so alone, and yet had tried to stay strong for so long. For five years. Five years of pretending I was okay, of pretending that I liked my life in Detroit, that I wasn't still yearning for the only person I had ever loved. Being strong and just wanting to break.

Finally I broke, my knees gave away and sobs racked my body.

Strong arms surrounded me, strong arms that had been in my dreams every night for those years. I heard him mutter small comforting statements, as he kissed my forehead, his tears mixing with mine. I sobbed harder, finally giving up. I had tried so hard not to fall. And now I had fallen,

Derek was there to catch me.

_In the arms of the angel _

_Fly away from here _

_From this dark cold hotel room _

_And the endlessness that you fear _

_You are pulled from the wreckage _

_Of your silent reverie _

_You're in the arms of the angel _

_May you find some comfort here _

Derek's POV:

No one else has spotted her. I had. She was standing, holding a black umbrella and wearing a black jacket. Her face dry but her eyes full. She looked like the people you see on movies, the ones that go to a funeral dressed all in black that try to hold everything in.

She looked beautiful.

The rain hit my head, chilling me to the core, but I barely felt it. Looking at her made me realize that I had been cold all along. Cold and dead for 5 years. Five long year without her, it was a miracle that this wasn't my funeral. I had known I had missed her, known that it hurt to wake up every morning knowing that I would not see her that day. But until right this minute, I had no idea how much I had missed her. Missing someone this much, well it just didn't seem right or fair.

I tore my gaze back to the funeral. The chief had been my mentor and one of my best friends. He kept me going when I really didn't want to go anymore. I had to pay my respects, I had to be in the moment, with him and not with the woman I loved all along.

I felt her eyes on me. The burning sensation that had thrilled me years ago.

I glanced her way again, she tore her eyes away.

The funeral was over. I placed my flower on the coffin and turned away to leave, planning on going home to my empty trailer and having a drink. For Richard, For myself. For Meredith and what we could have been. I walked over to my car, and turned to give the site on last look. I didn't visit grave yards, so I knew it was the last time I would look at it. She was still standing there.

I glanced at my warm car, and headed back in her direction.

"Meredith?" I quietly asked approaching her, not really knowing what it was I planned to say, what I planned to do.

"Derek," she responded in an entirely unlike Meredith voice. She sounded weak, she sounded broken. I stood silent for a minute, not knowing how to continue, and I watched as her face broke and her knees shook. Before she could fall I gathered her in my arms.

Stroking her hair I told her it would all be all right, kissing her forehead and telling her that I was there. I didn't know what I was saying, didn't know what I was doing. But she had fallen, and this time I caught her.

And I was warm. Finally, blissfully warm.

"Come on," I said, my voice shaking as I pulled away, keeping one arm tight around her. "Let's get you home."

**Please review. I'm really enjoying writing this one. Seriously. And I need to know what people think!**


	3. Home

**Disclaimer: Shonda is my hero . . .so I really don't want her to sue me.**

**This chapter is more about Meredith and her friends than it is about Meredith and Derek, but they'll be in there. They always are.**

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Meredith's POV:

I sat in the car in silence, wondering exactly my home was now, and listening to Derek ramble on. He was nervous. So was I.

"Izzie moved on from the Denny thing, and started back at the hospital 6 months after you left. Her and Alex keep being on again, off again, right now they're off. George hasn't changed a bit, he's going to follow in Burke's footsteps. Cristina and Burke are still Cristina and Burke. He wants to get married, but every time he mentions it she changes the subject. Addison and Mark got married last year. Addison and I divorced shortly after you left. Bailey had another child, a daughter. And now, well the Chief, he never named who should follow him so I might just let Burke have it."

I looked at Derek. I had known him for about a year before I left, I had seen him angry, sad, happy, loving and all emotions in between. It occurred to me now I had never seen him really nervous. As I had never seen him say this much at once.

Derek continued rambling, until we pulled into the driveway of the home that I had left to my friends. We both looked at the house in silence. "I'm nervous, Derek. Scared."

"I know," Derek said reaching over and grabbing my hand. It felt good having someone to hold my hand again. "I can come in with you if you want."

"I'd like that Derek, thanks." I said, attempting my brightest smile at him. It felt like it failed somewhere around the edges.

I followed him into the house, where he gently knocked on the door and I allowed himself in. I felt my heart beat pick up, I shouldn't be this scared to see them again, but I was.

"Everyone, you'll never guess who I found sneaking around the back of the crowd!" Derek called out.

Before I had time to think they were all rushing into the entry way, and pulling my damp body into their arms, exclaiming how good it was to see me again, how happy they were that I had come home.

"Oh my god, Mer, I had no idea you were coming. You didn't say anything," George exclaimed, beaming at his old friend.

"It is so good to see you again. God, I've missed you," Izzie said gushing.

"Good to have you back Grey," Alex said.

"So now you come back? Somebody had to die. Talk about melodramatic," Cristina said, sounding cynical but looking happy.

Then the questions started … how I was, how was work, how was life, was I home to stay. It was overwhelming. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. As happy as I was to see them, I wasn't ready to share everything quite yet.

I felt a hand press against my back. Warmth seared through my body and that hole stopped looking so appealing. "Guys, she just got in. Give her room to breath," Derek said with a laugh, standing close to me. After all our time apart, he still completely understood how I felt. I smiled up to thank him as my phone rang in my pocket. I answered it and quickly hung up again.

"I have to go. I have to get to the hospital." I said in a rushed voice.

"Mer? Are you okay? Is it your mom?" Derek said looking concerned. I knew he had continued to by my mother's doctor after I had left town, and it touched me he was worried.

"No, it's not my mom." I said, taking a deep breath, about to admit to something I wasn't sure anyone was ready to hear. "It's my daughter."

_Take me to a world that's filled with happy people_

_Take me to a land where the poor men are the rich ones _

_Where there are smiling faces and the lonely ain't alone_

_Take me to that peaceful place that I can call Home_

Derek's POV:

Daughter. The word echoed in my head. Daughter. His Meredith had a daughter. She had moved on, with someone. Moved on enough to have a daughter. Daughter.

"Derek?" she asked reaching out and touching my arm. I pulled it away, not even aware that I had done it. I was just so floored by her admission.

"Right, well, right," I responded, assuming it was best to deal with the situation at hand. "My car is parked closest to the road, and I guess yours is still at the cemetery, so I'll drive. Yeah, I'll drive." Everyone looked at me worried at my response. I was worried at my response. Cool, calm Derek was cracking.

"Thanks, thanks so much. It shouldn't be too serious. She fell down the stairs. The babysitter thinks her arm may be broken, and she's worried she bumped her head pretty hard." Meredith said, tears forming in her eyes.

Izzie came up and gave her a hug. "Don't worry, Mer. She'll be fine. And call us as soon as you know anything."

"Will do," Meredith said, grabbing onto my arm. I didn't pull away this time, she needed my strength. And although she had a daughter, it felt good having her need me again.

We headed out the door and towards my car. "Mer, please try to stay calm. I'll look at her head if you want, she can have the best brain surgeon in the area examining her."

Meredith just tearfully nodded her head, holding onto my hand and staring forward.

**Review, please. I love reviews. And I'll write more if I get reviews. I promise.**


	4. My Girl

**Disclaimer: You all know I don't own these character or the show.**

**This chapter is going to be LONG, because it covers a pretty big scene. So yeah, it's long.**

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Derek's POV:

I reached the hospital in record time and ran Meredith to the ER. Falling down the stairs usually never meant anything too serious, but Meredith was nervous and now what I had the opportunity again, I wanted to take care of her. That meant rushing her to the daughter I didn't know existed, and possibly to a hidden man as well, but right now she needed me. Right now, that was enough.

Reaching the room, Meredith rushed to a little girl sitting on a gurney. Imet the little girl's eyes and felt my heart stopped. I was looking at Meredith's eyes on a small tiny body. The entire face was a mirror image of Mer's, except for the hair, dark and curly, spilling uncontrolled out of her pony tail. The girl's eyes were full of tears and her lips trembled. Maybe it was the resemblance to Meredith but something made me want to sweep the girl into his arms and tell her everything was going to be all right.

"Mommy!" the girl cried as she saw Meredith enter.

"Em!" Meredith said, feeling so much better at seeing her. "Are you okay, honey?"

"I fell down the stairs," Em said through her tears, tearing at Derek's heart strings. "I hurt my arm, and my head hurts a little."

A nurse walked in behind them. "Her arm is broken and it seems she may have a concussion. She's going to need to get a cast, and we'd like to examine her head better, " the nurse paused, "Dr. Shepherd?" the nurse said to me, sounding a little confused.

"Emily's mother is an old friend of mine," I explained, not knowing how else to sum it up. "I'll check her head out," I finished approaching the table.

She cried harder as she saw me approach. "Honey, don't cry. I'm a friend of your mom's." I said, shooting a look over my shoulder hoping Meredith could help me out. She looked so scared, and so very alone. And there was something in her eyes beyond the fear, beyond worry. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but it made me feel like I wanted to cry.

"Emily, it's okay. This is my friend Derek, I know you've never met him before but he is a friend. He just wants to make sure you're okay, and then we'll get a cast on you and we can go home." Listening to Meredith talk to her daughter made his heart melt a little, it made him realize that he was right about her all along. She was an amazing mother.

The nurse started talking to Meredith again. "Before we take her to get the cast we need a little background information. Mother's name?"

I heard Meredith sigh, the normally probably calming her nerves. "Meredith Grey," she answered.

"Father's name?" my heart cringed. I didn't want to know, I did not have any interest in knowing exactly who she had moved on with, even if it meant nothing, I didn't want to think about it. I shone the flashlight in Emily's eyes and waited silently for her answer.

It didn't come.

"Father's name?" the nurse asked again.

"I don't have a daddy," Emily answered as I released her head, feeling confident everything was fine with her. "It's always been just me and Mommy. And she's the best mommy ever, so that's okay." Something inside me clicked when I heard that statement.

Meredith drew in a sharp breath, and I spun my eyes to her. That look, the one I couldn't find a word to describe, it seemed stronger now. I looked back at Emily. "Honey, how old are you?" I asked her, hoping it sounded like a casual question.

"I'm 4 years and 10 months," Emily answered proudly, temporarily distracted from her pain.

This time I swore that I heard Meredith give out a little gasp. And I remembered that night, about a month before she disappeared from my life. That night of the prom, how we had snuck away from my wife and her boyfriend and had finally given in to our feelings on the exam table. I remembered that she had avoided me for a month after, finally leaving without a word of goodbye. And I remembered the conversation I had had with Cristina soon after, finding out that I had been wrong, that she had never slept with the vet.

I gazed at Emily, the dark curls so much like my own. I looked at the stubborn way she held her head, recognizing it from my own childhood pictures. I thought of how I had felt connected to her before even exchanging a word. With my heart racing I turned to look at Meredith. The answer was all over her face.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Grey," the nurse interrupted their silent conversation, "I need to know the father's name."

I cleared my throat. "It's me," I said, hearing the shock in my voice. "Derek Shepherd. The father is Derek Shepherd," I finished feeling tears running down my face. With that I got up and left the room.

_I've got so much honey the bees envy me_

_I've got a sweeter song_

_Than the birds in the trees_

_I guess you'll say_

_what can make me feel this way_

_My girl, I'm talking about my girl_

Meredith's POV:

The minute that call came from the hospital I stopped thinking. My daughter was hurt. And my car was still at the cemetery, I hadn't even thought about it when Derek had offered to drive me home. But now I needed a ride, and Derek was there, and being McDreamy. So I asked, not even thinking of the implications. I was too worried. And when he offered to examine Emily's head, well he is the best neurosurgeon in the area, I couldn't turn that down. Not with how worried I was. If only I had stopped to think.

That damn hair. The hair that I loved so much, that made my daughter feel like a princess. That every time I brushed it my heart felt tighter thinking of who she had inherited all the dark curls from.

And now I watched Derek's retreating back, not knowing how to fix things, feeling all alone again.

"Mommy?" my daughter interrupted my thoughts. "My arm really hurts."

I smile a side smile at her, wondering if she realize who the man had run away was. "I know, honey, " I said, thinking how funny it was that Derek had chosen the same pet name for her. "Let's go get that taken care of. You can get a coloured cast, and then I'll take you home to meet all my friends."

"Okay," she said still sounding upset. "Mommy, was that my daddy?"

I tried to remember to breath. "Can we talk about that later, Princess Emily? Right now, I just want to get you taken care of."

"Okay," Emily said. She decided she wanted a red cast and soon later we were ready to go. That's when I realized that our ride had abandoned us. So I made a quick call to the number I had called hundreds of times before, but hadn't used in over five years. Soon later George came and picked us up.

"So what happened to Derek?" Cristina asked after all the introductions had been made, and Izzie had settled in to make cookies with Emily. "Get called away on a case?"

"No, no, he just left us."

"Why would he do that?" Izzie asked. Her and Derek had gotten close since Meredith had left, and Izzie knew how badly Derek had been hurting and how badly he wanted Meredith back. How badly he had missed her. She couldn't figure out why he would of left her after all that.

"Because he figured out that Emily was his." I said in a flat voice.

"What?" everyone shouted back at me in unison,

"Emily Isabelle Shepherd. I even gave her her daddy's last name. And the middle name is after you Izzie, she was conceived the night your world fell apart, so it just seemed appropriate."

"Oh, Mer. Thanks," Izzie said giving Emily a kiss on the head.

"She does have McDreamy's hair, now that you mention it." Cristina pointed out.

"Don't I know it," I responded with a small laugh.

"She looks more like you though," George said, trying to be helpful. I loved him all the more for it.

"Thanks George," I said giving him a small hug and a kiss on the cheek. I realized I hadn't seen Callie around and wondered what had happened there.

"You're going to have to talk to Shepherd sometime," Cristina pointed out.

"I know. I know." I responded, dreading the moment when that would happen.

With that I heard a knock on the door, and glancing at the others headed in that direction. I wanted to think it was Burke, coming back with the ingredients for supper he had gone to pick up, but he wouldn't have knocked. I had a feeling that confrontation was going to come sooner than I wanted.

Sure enough, the too familiar dark head was standing on the other side of the door. I looked through the glass. His eyes were rimmed with red, his hair looked disheveled. And he looked scared and confused. I felt my heart strings tug. Years ago, this man had broken my heart and in one night gave it back to me. And I had ran afraid to admit the truth, that I loved him and was pregnant with his child. I had ran to avoid a confrontation.

I guess avoidance only last for so long, I bitterly thought as I opened the door.

"Mer," he started using my pet name of years gone by, that had to be a good sign. "We need to talk."

**Please please please review. You know it's what McDreamy would do. And it's what he would want you to do. Right now I have a feeling this is going to be a long one, and will eventually lead to some wonderful Mer/Der scenes so I really would like to know what people think. I'm hoping to update later tonight, and if not tonight on Wednesday (tomorrow I'm spending the day with the boyfriend so no living in my imaginary GA world)**


	5. You Are

**Disclaimer: So I've been thinking, we all know I own nothing associated to the show …but does anyone think it's actually possible to buy Patrick Dempsey? Because I'm so in line if it is.**

**This chapter is all Meredith and Derek. No one else is even in it.**

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Meredith's POV:

In. Out. In. Out. I reminded myself to breath as I grabbed the jacket off the hook and headed outside to meet Derek who had taken a seat on the stairs. It was time. In. Out. In. Out. The conversation that I had avoided for the last 5 years, the conversation I kept feeling that I needed to have but was too afraid to face, was about to happen.

This would change everything.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Derek asked as I sat down beside him. He sounded hurt and betrayed.

"I, I didn't know how," I meekly replied.

"Meredith, she's my daughter. I have a daughter. I had a right to know, you find a way to tell me." Derek said.

"I know, Derek. I know I was in the wrong," I said starting to feel tears build up behind my eyes. I'm terrified. Will he demand her? Will he want to take her away from me? Will he want nothing to do with her? I thought I knew Derek, but he had proven me wrong so many times before on my assumptions about him. I couldn't trust the thoughts I needed to trust so badly.

"What does she know? Does she think her daddy was some married asshole who didn't care about her?" Derek questioned with a bitter laugh.

"Derek! She doesn't think anything like that. She doesn't know anything. I always told her she didn't need to worry about having a daddy, that it was just me and her." I said wiping a tear off my cheek.

"Why didn't you tell me?" the main question was repeated again.

"Why didn't you tell me about you and Addison getting a divorce? Why didn't you contact me then?" I asked. It seemed a little random, a little unimportant to the conversation at hand, but suddenly I needed to know.

Derek sighed. "You ran, Mer. I thought you had moved on, I thought you had given up on us. I didn't want to disrupt the new life you had started. I didn't think you'd care."

"I don't." Although I do. I care. Five years after the fact, and I still care. But he doesn't need to know that. "But don't you see, that's why I couldn't tell you about Emily. You had moved on, you were with Addison. I couldn't disrupt that life."

"Meredith!" Derek yelled getting up and starting to pace around. "You can't actually expect me to believe that, can you? We had sex, Meredith. We made love. You know that meant something!"

"I thought it had. But then time kept passing. And you were still with Addison. You didn't even make an effort to talk to me after prom night." I said, now out right crying.

"Mer, you were avoiding me!" Derek said, throwing up his hand exasperatedly.

"That's beside the point." I said, hiding my face in my hands.

"I know. The point is, I have a daughter and you kept her from me. I had reason to believe that whether Addison and I were divorced or not had no effect on your life. But this! This had an affect on my life, regardless of all the other shit!"

"I know." I do know. That's why I never told him.

"Meredith?" Derek said more gently. My face still hidden in my hands I felt him kneel in front of me. "Why, why didn't you tell me?"

In. Out. In. Out.

"I didn't tell you about Emily because I know you. I know you Derek. You would have stayed with me, out of obligation. And I couldn't settle for that. I wanted you to love me. Me! Not a child, not the mother of your child. Me." I screamed through my tears and my sobs.

_You are poetry in motion_

_You inspire power and devotion_

_You are the turning of the tide underneath_

_You are the potential in me_

Derek's POV:

"I didn't tell you about Emily because I know you. I know you Derek. You would have stayed with me, out of obligation. And I couldn't settle for that. I wanted you to love me. Me! Not a child, not the mother of your child. Me." Meredith yelled at me.

I felt my heart break. I had loved her, loved her so much. Still loved her so much. If only I had done what my body and heart yelled to do 5 years ago. I should have listened. I wanted so badly, after that night in the exam room to go home and tell Addison it was over and then to go find Meredith and tell her how much I loved her.

If only I had, I bitterly thought to myself, things could have been so much different.

The anger left me. It was my fault, my fault I didn't know I had a daughter, not Meredith's. I sat beside her and gently put my arm around her back and pulled her close, hoping beyond all reason to hope that she wouldn't push me away.

She didn't.

In. Out. In. Out.

"What's she like?" I asked, hoping she could see past her anger at me, and tell me about the little girl I already loved so much.

"She's a tiny little person," Meredith said, giving me a sad smile. "Sometimes she's so much like me. Sometimes she's so much like you. But most of the time she's her own little person. So much personality in such a little body."

"She's beautiful." I responded honestly.

"She is." Meredith nodded her head, and leaned it against my shoulder.

"How's she like me? Besides the hair I look at her and see you."

"She's stubborn and pig headed," Meredith answered laughing.

"We're both stubborn and pig headed. You can't blame that on me." That's why were sitting her, 5 years after we had fallen in love talking about a daughter I didn't know I had, I added silently.

"You haven't seen her smile. When she pouts she looks like me. When she smiles, Der, she looks like you. She has your smirk." Meredith said looking up at me.

I send that smirk back her direction. "Anything else?" I ask, hoping my daughter has more in common with me than dark curls and a smirk.

Meredith gave a small laugh, the one that always drove me crazy. The one I had heard in my dreams every night for the last 5 years. "She doesn't really know what I do, she only knows I work in a hospital. I've always thought she was too young to hear all the details. But then one day, a couple of weeks ago actually, she comes home from school and tells me, straight faced, that she wants to be a brain surgeon."

I laughed, really laughed. "My little girl wants to be a brain surgeon?"

"She does."

"What was her first word?" I asked, wanting to know everything about her. Wanting to know everything that I missed.

"Boat. Believe it or not, it was boat. And she started walking around the one year mark. I didn't get her hair cut till she was two, I loved the hair too much. The first time she went trick or treating she dressed up as a princess. Her first day of school she cried and came home with stories of all her new friends. She takes ballet. She hates vegetables. She wants to play hockey." Meredith volunteered all the information in a rush. She understood me, she knew I wanted to know it all.

I felt tears prickle behind my eyes, sad at all I missed and feeling more love in my heart than I knew possible. Love for Emily and for her mother. "Fishing. What does she think of fishing?"

"She's never gone fishing."

"Can I take her? I know there's a lot to figure out, and a lot to discuss Mer, but I have the day off tomorrow. And I want to know my daughter." I asked, hoping she'd let me.

"Of course, yes you can take her fishing." Meredith said, giving me a hopeful smile.

"Meredith?" I asked. "Are you upset? Are you okay? Do you mind that she knows me? That she found out about me?" It was the most terrifying question yet, finding out how Meredith felt about me, her, us.

In. Out. In. Out.

"I'm okay. Scared but okay. I grew up without a dad, and I don't really want my daughter to grow up the same way. She needs to know you, and you need to know her. I knew when I brought her here this would probably happen, and I don't regret it."

"Good," I said, pulling Meredith closer to me, in both my arms and hugging her, hoping in a way I hadn't for 5 years.

**I know, it was quite the long chapter. I'd say sorry, but I like to think it was worth it. And I know it may seem odd that they went from yelling to having a nice conversation about Emily . . . but this is Mer and Der we're talking about . . .I can't actually have them stay mad at each other. Too much love there. Please review and let me know what you think.**


	6. Butterfly Kisses

**Disclaimer: Oh how I wish Grey's Anatomy was my own. Oh the fun I could have. Instead I write fanfics.**

**Thanks for all the great reviews! I love having fans. And I promise to keep updating as quickly as I can, hopefully at least one chapter a night. Even though I should be sleeping …but sleeping is highly overrated. Besides this fanfic is going to get a little on the lengthy side . . .so I should rush to get it done.**

**And this chapter is going to be the cutest chapter EVER.**

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Meredith's POV:

"Hi," I said shyly as I opened the door and let Derek into the house. My heart thudded in my chest. Today was the day that would really change everything. Our daughter was going to spend time with her dad. "Emily said she'd be down in a second. She's fixing her hair." I said rolling my eyes.

"Fixing her hair? She's five. And going fishing." Derek said sounding a little worried.

"Izzie's fault. Izzie did her hair yesterday, and now Em wants to look like that everyday."

Derek laughed and opened his mouth to say something else, when small footsteps sounded on the stairs. I turned around to see my daughter twiddling her hair, looking as terrified as she had the first day of school. Just like then I wanted to pull her close, tell her she could stay home if she wanted. But just like then I couldn't. She needed this. Derek needed this. I needed this.

Still thinking of something to say Derek interrupted my thoughts. "Hey Emily, I'm Derek, remember me?" Emily just nodded her head in a silent response, and headed closer to us and hiding behind my legs. Derek knelt down to her level. "So you went with the red cast? It matches your outfit very well. Can I sign it later?"

Again Emily just nodded her head in silence. "Emily, go get your jacket, you two should get going." I suggested, silently hoping that she would open up more when they were alone together.

Emily looked pensive for a moment. "I've never had a daddy before," Emily said, looking nervously at Derek. "But all my friends do, and I've always wanted one. I never told Mommy that, I didn't want to make her sad. But Derek, you're my daddy right?"

"Yeah, I am." Derek said. We hadn't discussed what we were going to tell Emily, but I was glad Derek made that decision in that moment. It was good she knew, she needed to know.

"Well," she said, running her fingers through her hair, like I had watched her daddy do a million times before. "Can I call you daddy?"

"Oh, sweetheart, of course you can." Derek said. He still smiled. He still looked normal. But I could hear the tears in his voice.

And I felt the tears prickle my own. I watched Emily grow up with just me. I watched her first steps, watched her learn to talk, watched everything. Alone. And I kept telling myself that that was okay. That that was for the best. But now watching her with Derek, seeing the love in his eyes and the silent happiness in hers, my heart felt overwhelmed. It was a perfect little scene, the scene I had always dreamed of. This trip was taken under the saddest of reasons, but the outcome was worth it.

Emily ran off to get her jacket. "Wow," Derek whispered. It reminded me of that first surgery together, the amazement of what we had done together.

"Yeah. Wow." I responded.

Before we could go any further with the conversation Emily darted into the room, full of energy. Her shyness of earlier was all but forgotten. "Let's go Daddy!" she yelled and was out the door without a word of goodbye to me.

"I'll take care of her today, I promise," Derek said, leaning over to give me a kiss goodbye on the cheek. I looked at him, and felt tears form in my eyes. I knew he was the dad, that he should spend time with her, and I was happy. I just wasn't quite used to sharing. Derek read my thought like he always had. Wiping a tear from my cheek he finished, "I know, this is hard. Sharing after having her to yourself for so long. But we'll make it work Mer."

With that he was out the door.

_Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer_

_Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair_

_"Walk beside the pony daddy, it's my first ride."_

_"I know the cake looks funny daddy, but I sure tried."_

_Oh, with all that I've done wrong_

_I must have done something right_

_To deserve a hug every morning_

_And butterfly kisses at night_

"Where are we going fishing daddy?" my daughter asked from the seat beside me.

"At my place. I live near the water so I figured we'll go there. And then have fish for lunch and if we're lucky maybe some for supper too." I answered.

"Good. I like fish."

I looked over at her, thankful that she seemed to be adapting so well to such a big change. She was mine. She was Meredith's. And she was remarkable. I had always figured that I would never love anyone more than I loved Meredith, I hadn't thought of the children we would make together. I was stopped at a red light, so I gazed at her, watching her bob her head to the music.

"Do you like this music?" I asked, wondering what kind of 5 year old likes The Clash.

"I do. But mommy doesn't." Meredith had always liked The Clash, I thought to myself. "Sometimes at night I hear her listening to it, and she cries."

"Your mom cries when she hears this band?" I asked making sure to clarify things. I loved children, but sometimes they were confusing.

"Yep." The answer made me want to cry. To know that year and year after we had split she still cried when she heard a band that I liked was overwhelming. It made me want to weep for all that we had lost. And gave me hope for all that could still happen.

"Daddy? Why aren't you and mommy together? Why do you live here, and we live far away in a place you need to take a plane from?"

By this time we had pulled up to my trailer and I reached over and stroked her hair. "Kiddo, you know what? That's a pretty long and complicated answer. And I don't know quite how to answer it. Maybe we should wait till we can talk to mommy about that too?"

"Okay." she smiled at me. And looked at our surroundings. "Daddy, where's your house?" I laughed and pointed to the trailer. "Why does your house have wheels?"

I swooped down and picked her out of the car and into my arms. "Well, silly, it was in case your mommy called me to come see you. I wanted to make sure that I could bring everything with me, and live wherever you were."

Emily nodded solemnly in a way that was beyond her years.

I carried her out of the pond, smelling the hair and realizing she must use the same hair stuff as her mother. My nose filled with the scent of lavender. I had carried children before, plenty of nieces and nephews, but none of them felt quite like this. To carry the life you created in your arms, there was no words I could think of to describe it.

Reaching the lake I put her down and handed her the children's fishing pole I had picked up the day before. She looked at it, contemplating something. "What is it, honey?" I asked, hoping she didn't already hate fishing.

"Uncle George said that I'd have to touch worms. Is he right? Because I don't think I want to touch worms." She gave me a look I had seen her mother give me plenty of times before, the look of disgust and begging for me to fix the problem. The look her mother had given me when I first took her fishing.

"Now you sound like your mommy. She doesn't like the worms either, so I touch them for her. How 'bout I do that for you?"

She nodded, a smile lighting up her face. Meredith was right, she had my smirk.

We spent the rest of the day out by the water, splashing each other and she filled me in on all I had missed in her life. She was Meredith's child to be sure, her outlook on life reflected things I had always seen in Meredith. She was strong, smart, fast witted, and just perfect. Not many fish were caught, but it was the best day of my life.

"Eww," I heard her exclaim behind me as the sun started to set. "It's slimy." I turned around to find her hand in the fish bucket.

"Slimy? And to think your mother was just telling me you wanted to be a brain surgeon. Well I am a brain surgeon, and let me tell you, brains are so much slimier than fish." (Author's note …I really don't know if brains are slimy at all . . .but I like to think they probably are)

"You're a brain surgeon?" my daughter asked me looking at me like I was super man. "That so cool! Does mommy know?"

"Of course Mommy knows."

The conversation quickly turned into one all about brain surgery, her asking dozens of questions and me trying to downplay the answers. I knew Mer thought she was too young for this stuff, and I needed to respect that. We ate dinner outside, watching the sunset and swatting away mosquitoes. After we were done, to my surprise and thrill, Emily crawled onto my lap.

"Daddy, do you love Mommy?" she asked in a drowsy voice.

"I do. I love her very very much."

"Good. Does mommy love you?" My daughter sure had a way for asking the right questions.

"I like to think she does. But you're going to have to ask her."

"I will."

She grew silent for a while, and I just sat there watching the fireflies dance over the water, thinking she must have fallen asleep.

"I like this place." she quietly said. "Can we move here? Can mommy and I live in your house on wheels?"

I looked down at her, amazed that she suggested it, hoping that her mother would go along with it. Hoping her mother would agree to live anywhere with me. "Of course you can honey, Nothing would make me happier. But if you do much here, I may give up the wheels."

She gently nodded her head into my chest. "I think I love you daddy." She reached up and gave me a kiss on the cheek, her eyelashes tickling my face. Soon she settled into my arms and with the rhythm of her breathing I knew she was asleep. I picked her up, carrying her to the car to take her home.

"I think I love you too," I told her as she woke up as I sat her in the seat.

We drove back to Meredith's in silence. I carried her upstairs and placed her in her bed. I gave Meredith a quick kiss on the cheek good bye, wanting everything to say goodnight the same way I had to my daughter. I drove away.

It would come. The time would come.

**Just to clear things up . . .that "the time would come" thing is referring to telling Meredith he loves her. And I think the chapters are getting longer. Though I feel like this one was crap . . .maybe I'm just tired. So yeah please review!**

**Btw, don't expect a Mer/Der reuinion too soon. Obviously they still love each other, but yeah . . .things have to happen. Lol. And also don't worry . . .Derek is not going to do anything jerkish. I know he has been a jerk a lot on the show . . .but this is my world. And in my world McDreamy is perfect.**


	7. When You Come Back to Me Again

**Disclaimer: You know it doesn't belong to me.**

**Yet again . . .I love all the great reviews. Thanks!**

**And just to clear somethings up . . .it hasn't actually been exactly 5 years since Meredith left. More like 5 years and 6.5 months kind of deal, but they're not actually going to say it like that . . .so they just refer to it as 5 years.**

**And I know it may have been a little odd that Emily warmed right up to Derek. But he's Derek, the man has a way with children. And he's Derek. Besides I kind of see Emily as the strong silent type like her mom, so she's always been yearning for a dad, and now she finally has one, so she was willing to accept him almost immediately. I know it doesn't work like that usually, but it needed to work that way for my story. **

**So yeah . . . enjoy. This chapter is more just pure Meredith and Derek.**

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Derek's POV:

I sit. Looking at the water and nursing a beer in my hand. It had been a longer than long day at work. One of those days where everyone seems to die. I hated those days. And at the end all I wanted to do was go home to my girls, the two people I loved most in the world.

Instead I came home to an empty trailer and a cold beer.

A car approaches my place, I catch it in the corner of my eye. My heart rate triples, I know that car. "Didn't expect you to show up tonight," I say to the exiting form.

She shrugged and plopped down beside me, grabbing the beer from my hand and taking a sip. It reminded me of the night, years ago where everything had started to go wrong. "Emily finally fell asleep so I left her with Izzie and George. I figured we should talk."

I lean over and grab the beer back, the scent of lavender filling my nose. I find myself grateful that she never changed her shampoo. "She's amazing, Mer." I say, shocked at how breathless I sound. "So tiny and so perfect."

"I know," Meredith sighs.

"You were right. At some points she was just a tinier version of you, like when she refused to touch the worms. But sometimes she was just like me. It's amazing how she ended up a combination."

"I know," Meredith sighs again.

"I love her." I say, wishing I could tell her I love them both.

"I know," Meredith sighs again. This time she adds, "She loves you too."

"You did a good job raising her Mer, a really good job."

This time she looks up at me and smiles. "Thank you, Derek. You have no idea how much that means to me."

I smile at her. She's my Meredith, I know exactly how much it meant to her.

Before I could say as much, she continued. "I grew up in a world like Emily's. My mother was too busy being a surgeon to pay too much attention to me. My dad was just vague memories from the past. And I know how much it left me damaged and scarred. I don't want that for her. It's been so hard to balance it all, but I want better for her."

"I know," it's my turn to sigh.

"But still the sacrifices are so hard. She wants to play hockey. She wants to play hockey so badly. All her friends play, it's the thing to do in Detroit. But she's so tiny, it worries me. And it's more than that. It's a time consuming sport, practices, games, travel time. And I don't have that time to consume. I hate the fact my daughter is missing out on something because I'm too busy." She rests her head on my shoulder, I feel a shiver travel down my spine.

"Our daughter." I correct her gently.

"Yeah, our daughter," Meredith concedes.

"She could play hockey. It would be easier if she had two parents to lean on. We both have busy schedules of course, but if we worked together. . ." I trailed off feeling Meredith's head leave my shoulder and look at me.

"What are you saying, Derek?"

I took a deep steadying breath. What I was about to suggest could change everyone lives. "Move home Mer."

_On a prayer in a song_

_I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on_

_Raining down against the wind_

_I'm reaching out 'til we reach the circle's end_

_When you come back to me again_

Meredith's POV:

"Move home Mer," Derek said sounding cool, calm and collected.

My heart stopped. Part of me expected these words. It was clear that he wanted to be part of Emily's life. It was clear he didn't want to take her away from me. So me moving back seemed logical. Part of me was overjoyed at hearing these words. Back. It's where I really wanted to be. Back with him at this trailer. Back at Seattle Grace with my friends.

But back was so far away from where I was now.

"Derek," I started trying to figure out how to figure this all out.

"She wants to live here, Meredith. She asked me if you two could move here and live with me."

I wasn't surprised that she has asked him. She had asked me basically the same question the next morning. She loved her dad completely, and her dad loved her. And to keep her away from the stability of having a father would be cruel. I would be just like my mother. But for me to move back here, put myself back in that place, that was terrifying.

"Derek, I don't know," I said in a shaky voice. It was the most honest answer I could give him.

"I know you don't. And I know it's as big scary decision, but Mer please think about it. Think of all the positives it would bring."

I sat and thought of it, as his hand rubbed my back sending chills everywhere. For Emily the answer was clear. Seattle was the best place to be. She would have a father that loved her. She would have a family of sorts, something she had never had before. It would make her life easier. It would make my life easier.

I looked up and met Derek's eyes. The answer for me was a little more fuzzy. I knew I wanted this, I knew I wanted to be right where I was. Sitting on the porch beside him, him who was it for me, to share a beer and talk about anything and everything. But in the past that want had bitten me in the ass. I was scared.

I need to know what me moving back would mean. "What about us?"

It was a vague question, but Derek understood. He always understood.

"Honestly;" he said running his hand through his hair. "I don't know. I wish I did, I wish I had an answer for you, but we're complicated always have been. But think about Emily, Mer. Don't make this decision about us, we can figure that out later. Think about the daughter we both love."

I got up. The answer wasn't perfect, but as I couldn't have done any better myself it would have to do. "I will, Derek. I really will."

I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek goodbye.

**Okay, read, love, review! I'll be updating later tonight after work so please come and check again!**


	8. Two Beds and a Coffee Machine

**Disclaimer: Imagine how cool it would be if I was Shonda? Best thing ever. But I'm not. And I don't think I own GA. So don't sue.**

**And I know this chapter has a weird name. And it really has nothing to do with the chapter, nor does the song really fit the situation. But the chorus does and that's all I really needed. Not to mention I have a mad love for the song. Oh and this one has no actual Mer/Der interaction . . .but they talk about eachother.**

**PS. I love all my fans!**

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Derek's POV:

"So I hear I should be congratulating you." the familiar red-head riding the elevator with me said.

"Yeah," I answered shaking my head with disbelief. Unreal, it was the only word to describe it. I had a daughter.

"How are you taking it?" Addison asked. She knew the answer.

"I'm thrilled. Blown away. It's beyond words, Addie. It really is."

"Good."

We ride in silence for a few minutes.

"Emily, my daughter, she wants to move to Seattle. Mer's thinking about it." I exclaim to my ex-wife breaking the silence.

"Do you love her?" Addie asks. She doesn't need to specify who the her is, she knows I know.

"I always will."

"So you said when you finally handed me those friggin papers."

I laughed. Addison and I had stopped talking to each other for a bit right after those papers were signed. She was hurting because of me. I was hurting because of Meredith. It was awkward. And then Mark had shown up, for work, and it had made things more awkward. But then one night I had been alone in at Joe's, drinking and thinking. It had been a year since Meredith had disappeared from me. And Addison and Mark had come in and sat with me. Just sat. In some weird twisted way of fate we were all friends now.

"Does she know?"

"No, she doesn't. And I don't think I'm going to tell her. If she knows she'll never move back. She wants nothing to do with me."

"Seriously, Derek? Do you seriously think that?"

I just nod my head, and make a noise that signifies agreement.** (A/N . . .I don't know how to write the noise, but you know the noise . . .the Patrick Dempsey "I'm the hottest person in the world noise")**

"Then why is she thinking about it Derek? Why does she want to move back?" Addison questions, her usual bitchiness coming through.

"Because she wants what's best for our daughter."

"Derek you can be so dense sometimes!" Addison said, and pulled the emergency stop button. "Do you have any idea how much Meredith used to love you?"

"Yeah, I do." I'm confused. "She said she was done, that she thought I was the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with."

"And then she ran, she ran because she knew she couldn't choose you, but she couldn't stand not to choose you. Derek. That kind of love doesn't just go away." Addison said exasperated.

"But . . ." I started. Addison cut me off.

"Tell her Derek. Don't let her leave without knowing. Tell her."

Now I'm overly confused. Addison and I being friends is one thing, Addison standing up for Meredith, that was another. "She won't believe me."

"Why not?"

"Because of why she ran. She ran because she knew she was pregnant. She knew. And she knows me, she knew I'd stay with her just because she was pregnant. Me saying I love you now, she'd just think it was me being in love with my daughter's mother, not actually being in love with her." I felt tears start to pool in my eyes. I didn't know why. This situation just seemed all impossible to solve.

"Then convince her otherwise, Derek. She wants you to." Addison reached over and started the elevator back up.

"How?" I asked, feeling a little like a lost little kid. I felt like I did the day that Meredith had told me to pick her, chose her, love her. I knew what I wanted, I just didn't think I could have it.

"You're a neurosurgeon for god's sake. Figure something out!" Addison said, stepping off the elevator as it came to a stop.

"Addison, why do you care so much? I cheated on you with her."

"Because I want you to be happy Der. I found my happiness, you need to find yours. And honestly, all this is my mess in the first place. I came. And saw. And conquered. It's my fault your not together, so I might as well try to fix it." she said, throwing her hands up in the air. I still loved her, I really did. She was truly a remarkable woman.

"Thanks, Addison."

Addison smiled in return. "Go get your Meredith, Derek. It's about time."

I smiled as the elevator doors closed behind her. My ex-wife had managed to give me my hope back.

_Another ditch in the road_

_You keep moving_

_Another stop sign_

_You keep moving on_

_And the years go by so fast_

_Wonder how I ever made it through_

Meredith's POV:

My heart thudded in time with the ringing of the phone in my ear. I tried to remember to breathe, as I waited for the person to pick up on the other end. To have the conversation I had been putting off. I have a knack at putting off the important talks, I laugh to myself. But this one had to happen now. Before anything went further. This one had to happen in silence, without Derek knowing about it.

"Hello?" the male voice finally picked up on the other end.

I forced a smile, hoping it would reflect in my voice instead of the terror I felt. "Mike! Hi!"

"Meredith! I was wondering when I'd hear from you." my boyfriend Mike answered back.

"Well you know how it is. Come home and get pretty busy." I force a laugh.

"Meredith, you're not home. Detroit's your home, you know that."

I know Mike doesn't say it to be cruel, but all I hear echoing in my head is Derek's plea for me to move home. Somehow the word seemed more convincing when he said it.

"So how is Emily? Is she enjoying herself?" Mike says, sounding concerned. I know he's really asking about Emily's father. Mike has been in my life for 2 years now, first as a friend then as a boyfriend. He gets protective.

"She loves it here. Her father and her get along great." I laugh and take a deep breath, about to drop the real reason I called. "Actually, she wants to move here."

"She what?" Mike asks, sounding shocked.

"She wants to move to Seattle. She hasn't told me but she told her dad. And he wants us to move here too."

"Maybe she didn't say that, maybe her dad is just lying to get you to move there."

"No, Mike. Derek's not lying. He wouldn't do that."

"Really? Derek who didn't tell you about his wife and who then knocked you up while he was still married, only to stay with his wife, wouldn't lie?" I regretted telling Mike the Derek story. Derek had made plenty of mess ups along the way, but he was Derek. I didn't like the idea of anyone hating him.

"He didn't stay with his wife," I meekly say. Even as I say it, I know it isn't the right thing to say. He doesn't need to know that, but for some reason to me it feels like an important detail.

"Oh that changes everything." A moment of silence. "So, are you thinking about it? You don't actually want to go back to Seattle, do you?"

Something about his tone of voice grates me the wrong way. "I am." I would have put it gentler, but right now I don't think he deserves that. "He's her father. They deserve a chance to get to know each other."

"That's a bullshit reason. He abandoned her. And you."

"He did no such thing. He didn't know about her." I yell. I didn't mean to yell.

"Listen, babe," It suddenly dawned on me I didn't like the nickname babe. "Just come home. I can adopt Emily, you know she loves me. And we can be a family. She doesn't need that Derek guy."

"She does need that Derek guy. He's her father. And there is no way I could take her away from him! He loves her!"

"What, are you saying moving to Seattle is actually a good idea?"

"Yeah, maybe it is. For both of us."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I ran away from a lot when I moved to Detroit. From a best friend who's fiancé had just died. From another best friend who's boyfriend had just been shot. From a mother who needed me. From a whole group of coworkers that had started to feel a lot like family. And from Derek and my feelings for him. Maybe it's about time I stop running."

I collapsed onto my bed. That was one of those speaches, you know the ones where you don't even know you're going to say them. Until you do. You don't even know the feelings are in you until they all come pouring out.

"The only thing that was holding me back from moving was worrying about my own welfare. But now that doesn't seem to be an issue." I finish, feeling shaky and out of breath.

"So you're moving to Seattle?"

"I'm moving to Seattle." With that I hung up the phone without even saying goodbye. Emily was out shopping with George so I just ran downstairs and jumped in my borrowed car. I had to drive. I had to get fresh air.

I didn't even know where I was going until I pulled up. Everything in my life always seemed to lead to him.

"Meredith," Derek greeted me from his standing point in the water.

I took a deep breath. "Derek, I'm moving. I'm moving home," I said, feeling tears come to my eyes and one leak out.

Derek looked up at me, awe struck and maybe wanting to cry himself. "Good. That's good news."

And we stood, as rain clouds gathered overhead. In silence. Him fishing. Me just standing. The rain started but neither of us moved. We just existed. Together. It was enough.

**Okay, please don't hate me! As I wrote the word boyfriend all I could think about was "Oh god they will all hate me" but let me explain myself. It was a Shonda moment. You know how she claims the characters do what they want, not what she wants. Well, it's never happened to me before so it must be the characters. They're very strong willed, lol. I was happily writing and thinking things through. And all of sudden I realized Meredith had a boyfriend. I don't know why. It's like what Shonda says about Addison, how it dawned on her along the way that Derek was married. Same idea. So don't kill me. And please know . . .I'm all about the Mer/Der love. But we haven't heard the end of Mike (hehehe, so vague . . .I'm like a writer's blog!)**

**As for Addison . . .she probably didn't sound very Addison like. But I like to think that being able to unite with the uber sexy man she loves, that she would grow and want the same happiness for Derek. So yeah . . .that's a grown and more mature, although somewhat bitchy, Addison. **

**Finally, I loved the last lines in this one. Not to blow my own horn but I did. Lol.**

**Anyway, you know the drill. Read. Love. Don't kill the writer. Review. I'll update tomorrow night . . .I work all day and the cast (the lovely lovely cast) is on Oprah as soon as I get off. Then there's supper. And shopping. Hehehe. Shopping. But something will be written tomorrow.**


	9. I Can Love You Like That

**Disclaimer: You've all been reading my writing for a while now, do you really think I'm good enough to come up with the brilliance that is Grey's Anatomy? I think not.**

**Btw did we all catch Oprah yesterday? Seriously, the praise that civil rights guy was giving? Wow, I wanted to cry. Ellen and Isaiah looked so floored.**

**Oh and sorry for no update last night. After shopping my best friend and I stopped by my boyfriend's work to say hi. He invited us over to his place after work, so a bunch of us got together there and played video games all night.**

**Anyway . . . enough of me rambling. ENJOY! (this chapter's short, I don't even know why I'm putting it in, as it's not really important, I just like the idea)**

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Derek's POV:

"Pass the corn," Cristina asked me from the other side of the table.

It was Sunday, 3 days since Meredith had told me the wonderful news. Three days since we had stood outside in the rain together.

Tonight was my favourite night of the week. After Denny had died, and Meredith had ran off, we had started this night. Once a week we would chose a night the most of us had off, and gather for dinner at Meredith's. Even with her gone, the house had always been called Meredith's. It was a way to combat being alone. Izzie had been alone. Cristina had been alone. I had been alone. So we gathered, and were alone together.

It had always felt good. Tonight it felt right. I glanced directly across from the table to the grey eyes that held my future.

"Daddy!" my daughter caught my attention, "Stop staring at mommy!"

With that the usual noisy table fell to silence, all staring at me.

"So, today I scrubbed in on a heart transplant with Burke," George said, thankfully breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"Oh, I'm jealous. Why does he never pick me for the cool surgeries anymore?" Cristina complained.

"Maybe because you refuse to answer the big question?" Izzie shot back.

"And why should I? We're two powerful surgeons enjoying life together, we don't need anything more than that. We don't need to get married, it just ends in heartache. Look at Derek." Cristina bluntly said, gesturing in my direction. She quickly caught herself. "Sorry, Derek."

I just shrugged my shoulders. She was wrong, my marriage didn't end in heartache, it ended in relief.

"But getting married is much more romantic." Izzie said, looking down at the ring she had bought with the money Denny had left her in his will.

"It's a waste of time and money." Cristina argued back, always the cynic.

"I'm with Cristina on this one," Meredith piped up. "Getting married is saying it's going to last forever. That you believe in happily ever after. And happily ever after never actually exists."

Her eyes held mine. My heart slowed. I knew I loved her, always had. But another realization dawned on me in that instant.

I wanted to be her happily ever after.

_They read you Cinderella_

_You hoped it would come true_

_And one day a prince charming would come rescue you_

_You like romantic movies_

_And you never will forget_

_The way it felt when Romeo kissed Juliet_

Meredith's POV:

"Seriously?" Izzie asked me.

"Seriously," I responded, looking across the table at Derek. If happily ever after existed I would have never had to run. I wouldn't have been pregnant. Derek and I never would have had sex in the exam room. Addison would have never existed.

But life is messy, not perfect like the fairy tales.

"You don't mean that, Mer," Derek said grabbing my hand across the table.

I just shrugged and pulled my hand back, under the pretense of pouring Emily some more juice. I did. But it was hard to remember that when he looked at me. Or when he said my name the way he did.

Silence fell around the table again.

Derek and I always knew how to put on a show, I thought bitterly to myself.

"So did the guy live?" Izzie asked George, going back to the earlier conversation.

"He did. But there were all sorts of complications," George started.

Cristina interrupted. "One minute, it was a successful and complicated surgery? Now I'm pissed."

My family. I glanced around the table as George went on the describe the surgery, and knew that moving back was the right decision. Sitting around the table with my daughter and a bunch of rowdy surgeon was right. This felt right. And Derek was right, this felt like home.

I caught his eyes. He was staring at me again, but Emily was to caught up in the talk of surgery to notice.

Our eyes met. Held for longer than they should have.

I found myself wishing I believed in happily ever after. Wishing that Derek could be my happily ever after.

**I said it was short. And wow, I don't know where all the cheesy fairytale stuff came from. I really don't. It wasn't my plan for the chapter, I just wanted to write the interns interacting, and touch more on the whole Cristina/Burke relationship. But that fairy tale thing just popped up.**

**I blame it on PD's new movie . . .Enchanted. It's all about the fairy tale thing. And I was looking at pictures from it today, so it was on my mind. ****http/ . . . .check them out. What's up with his hair?**

**Anyway yeah. I'm updating tonight and probably won't again till Tuesday. The next two chapters should be long, and emotion packed so I want time for them. And tomorrow I have a really busy day, and Monday I'm at the boyfriend's. So enjoy this . . .and I promise more Tuesday.**


	10. You and Me

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy does not belong to me . . .as Disney rudely reminded me when they booted my videos off Youtube.**

**I'm back to continue writing! Yay! As I said earlier, it was a busy weekend. Busy but good. Busy and no time to write. But I'm done work for the day, now just killing time to see if the boyfriend has a ball game tonight for me to go to. So write I shall. **

**Actually I've been wanting to update all weekend, lol. Damn being busy.**

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Derek's POV:

"So this is where all the pretty girls in Seattle hang out," I said to Joe as I slid into the bar stool beside the pretty blonde I was referring to.

Joe shrugged. "What can I say? She missed me."

A small tinkling laugh rang out beside me.

"So, Dr. Grey, exactly where is our daughter right now?"

"Our daughter made a friend at the park and is now sleeping over at her house,"

"So Emily is a social butterfly? Just like her mother." I joked, grabbing the beer that Joe passed my way.

"Our Mer? Social? Hardly Derek. She just comes here for the drinks," Joe laughed passing Meredith another beer.

"Used to come here for the drinks. I'm done with that. Now I just come here . . .to well I don't know." Mer shrugged.

"You came here to welcome back the Seattle life. And to pick up another guy." I laughed, hoping she'd deny the second part.

Meredith laughed. It was beautiful. "I think I learned my lesson about picking up guys here. They just lead to bad news.'

I laughed in return, thinking of that night.

"Besides," Meredith said before I could respond. "If I remember correctly you're the one that did the picking up that night. I just went along for the ride."

"That's not the way I remember it. I remember a tiny little blonde thing in a black dress came over and asked me if I wanted to buy her a drink."

"And you did. You did the picking up."

I looked at her, her soft blonde hair curling around her face, her smile lighting up the room. I hated how she made me feel sometimes, all cheesy and sentimental. Didn't feel really manly. But it felt right, looking at her.

I thought back to that first night. I had stopped by the hospital to talk to Richard, as I started work the next day. Not finding him, I headed to the bar across the street, to have a few drinks and forget about being alone. And before I even had a chance to drown it all out, I wasn't alone anymore. Meredith sat down beside me, and asked me if I wanted to buy her a drink. I agreed.

Just being near her had made me feel more, something, I wasn't quite sure what.

"I don't think it works that way, you started it all," I said coming out of my reverie.

"No. Besides," she gives me her little Meredith shrug, "The drink didn't start it all, the game of darts did."

"True," I say. "True."

"And that was all you, Der."

It had been. "Oh, I remember that part clearly. You had no idea what you were doing, and yet you managed to get a bulls-eye. And you jumped on me in celebration, completely threw yourself onto me. That's when I was done."

I see Meredith's eyes flash back to that word. The way I had used it. How it echoed the words she yelled at me on the staircase years ago, when she told me she thought she was done after she met me.

"Done?" she asks me in a small voice.

"Done," I confirm, casually glancing her way.

"Oh." I've flustered her. That's a good sign, it has to be a good sign.

I laughed, trying to calm her down. "I don't even think I knew your name at the time, but all the same."

"I," Meredith takes a gulp of her beer. "I, umm, I should head to the washroom. I need to go to the washroom." With that she's gone.

The confession had been big, and she had run away. She always ran at those times. It's what made her mine.

Cause it's you and me and all of the people

With nothing to do, nothing to prove

And it's you and me and all of the people and

I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off you

Meredith's POV:

Cool water felt good on my face that seemed to be warmer than usual. He was done. Done. My McDreamy had been done the day he had met me. I reminded myself to breathe, as I considered what that might mean for us now. Things had changed since then, changed immensely.

I still loved him.

"Me. McDreamy. Again." I said to my reflection in the mirror. Was it possible?

I took a deep breath and decided to head back in his direction.

"Are you okay?" he asked as I sat down beside him.

"Yep," I answer shortly and nod my head.

"Are you sure? Because you don't seem okay."

"I'm good."

"Good." he said, brushing a strand of hair out of my face. I stopped breathing. My mind falls back to a time that him reaching out and doing that would have been normal, not breath taking.

"Derek, why did you never tell me you were married?" I asked. Crap. I don't know where that came from, I never meant to ask him that.

"I was going to tell you that . . ."

I cut him off. "I know. But why didn't you tell me before that? Before the night we met here? Before you showed me where you lived? Before things started happening."

Derek sighed. "I don't know."

"You don't know." It's no longer a question.

"At first I thought you were just a fling, a fun distraction, so I didn't see a point. And then. Then it turned into something more, something I never expected. It became a future, and I didn't want to ruin it. I was scared, terrified of losing you."

"You wouldn't have," I answer in a small voice, playing with the label on my beer bottle.

"Meredith, why did you kiss me in the elevator that day? Before it all started."

"I was having a bad day."

Derek laughed. "So you kiss me on bad days." I remembered the day clearly. And remembered how much Cristina had sounded like Derek just did.

"I guess I do. I was having a bad day the night of the party too," I admit, thinking of the things that had happened with my mother that day.

It's been five years. Five years of attempting to move on and try to live lives apart from each other. And yet, in that one moment, the events of the months we had shared rushed back. Like it had only been moments before. Everything had changed since then, but sitting at Joe's it all felt the same. We spent hours, sipping on beers and talking. Time felt like it stood still, Derek and I sitting together, reminiscing about the months that had taken our breath away. We talked about the months that had unknowingly changed our lives. Sitting there it felt like we were still the two people that had met years ago, an attending and his intern, falling head over heals in love. Our lives were lived apart, and yet always so intertwined.

"Sorry to break this up, guys, but I'm closing." Joe came over and interrupted Derek in the middle of a story about our first fishing trip together.

Derek threw a wad of bills down on the bar. "We're out of here, see you later Joe!"

The bell tinkled as we walked out. Somehow my foot caught on Derek's and we both tripped, laughing. During our talk we both drank more than we planned. "This isn't good," Derek laughed.

"No, no it's not."

"I have no idea how I'm going to get home," Derek said. "I'm in no shape to drive."

I take a deep breath, feeling a little more sober than I had moments before. "Umm, how about you just come over and crash at my place?"

**FYI the fishing trip thing has been mentioned before but just to clarify for the purposes of this story some things happened with Meredith and Derek that we never saw on the show.**

**You know the drill . . . give me love!**


	11. Grace

**Disclaimer: I own two t-shirts and the DVD. That's it. And one day I will own Patrick Dempsey (buahahahaha!)**

**Anyway . . . this chapter is the one I've been waiting to write since I thought of this fanfic. I'm really excited about it. Seriously, just look at the song I chose (and no this isn't a sex scene). So I hope it turns out well . . . enjoy!**

**Btw this is another one of those chapters when you see the same thing happen to Mer and Der just from both their perspectives.**

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Meredith's POV:

It's 4 o'clock in the morning. I'm sober now, tossing and turning will do that to you. I can't sleep. I want to blame it on drinking too much. I want to blame it on nervousness about tomorrow when I start the process to transfer home. I want to blame it on sleeping away from my daughter. I want to blame it on the moon being too bright. I want to blame it on everything.

Everything but the man curled up asleep on my couch downstairs.

But my mind seems to always go back to him, it always has. Every time I close my eyes I see his face when he leaned in to give me a kiss goodnight. On the cheek of course. I wanted more. I didn't know exactly what I wanted, or if it was good to want, but the want was there. I wanted more.

Without thinking I let my feet hit the floor and travel quietly downstairs.

"Derek?" I whisper to the body on the couch, hoping he's not asleep.

"Mer?" his voice sounds rough, reminding me of all the nights we spent together. He flicks on the light. "What's wrong?"

I study him, his hair messed from sleep, in need of a shave, dressed only in boxers and a t-shirt, the blanket covering just his legs now that he's sitting up. "I can't sleep." It sounds stupid. Not much he could do about that.

"You can't sleep," he repeats.

I look around awkwardly, trying to think of an appropriate escape. I came down here without thinking. Now I don't know what to do. "Umm, I guess I'll just . . ."

"Come over here, Mer. Come lay with me for a bit." Derek says shifting over on the couch to make room for me.

I slowly walk towards him. My eyes don't leave his for a second. I lied down beside him, feel my heart beat pick up and wonder how is this going to help me sleep.

"Isn't that better?" his voice sounds like he's having a hard time getting it out. I just nod my head in response, not willing to try my own voice.

In slow motion I watch him lean over and grab the blanket to pull over the two of us. I watch him lean back down to lay beside me.

And suddenly he is there. Beside me. The couch is small; our bodies are pressed against each other closer than they had been since that night in the exam room. I feel his warm breath on my cheek and a cold chill runs down my back. Tears prickle my eyes, but I blink them back. His arms wrap around me, and instinctively I lean in closer, looking for his warmth and protection. Looking for something I'm too afraid to name.

"Oh, Mer," I hear him whisper into my hair, giving me a little kiss on the head.

"Derek," I respond holding onto his arm, not wanting to let go.

The arm that's behind me moves closer to my head, and he runs his fingers gently through my hair. With each stroke my head tingles in the most delicious way. "Shhh, sleep Meredith. Just go to sleep."

"Der," I whisper, my head finding his chest.

And then I begin to hear a small whispered voice about my head, he's barely moving his lips, barely making a sound. But he's singing. "Every long lost dream led me to where you are, others who broke my heart they were like northern stars . . ." Derek can't sing. Nor do I like country. This I like. I lean into his chest and for the first time that night; listening to his soothing off-key voice I begin to feel drowsy.

Leaning into him and listening to his voice comfort me I'm suddenly overcome with a feeling of rightness. This is me; this is where I'm supposed to be. Curled up in Dr. McDreamy's arms, falling asleep and waking up beside him.

As he finishes the song I pull back to meet his eyes. We find each other through the darkness. And hold the gaze. I just keep looking at him, even as I feel my eyes start to droop shut. I want his face to be the last thing I see before bed. So I keep looking.

"Mer," he whispers in the dark.

"Der," I whisper back, through my tiredness noticing for the first time the nicknames rhymed. My hands have found the back of his head, and are now running through his incredible dark curls.

I feel his chest move against mine as he takes a deep breath. And then he leaned forward, and his lips found mine. Finally. The kiss was short, simple, quick. Not a kiss to get me worked up and ready to jump him, but a kiss to say goodnight, a kiss to say I love you.

He pulled me into his chest again, and listening to beating of his heart, I fell asleep within seconds, smiling at the taste of McDreamy on my lips.

_I'm on my knees  
only memories  
are left for me to hold  
Don't know how  
but I'll get by  
Slowly pull myself together   
There's no escape  
So keep me safe  
This feels so unreal_

Nothing comes easily  
Fill this empty space  
Nothing is like it seems  
Turn my grief to grace

Derek's POV:

It's 4 o'clock in the morning. I'm sober now, tossing and turning will do that to you. I can't sleep. I want to blame it on drinking too much. I want to blame it on the couch being too small to fit well on. I want to blame it on worrying about my daughter who slept at a stranger's house. I want to blame it on the moon being too bright. I want to blame it on everything.

Everything but the woman that is sleeping upstairs, in the bed we used to share.

Like every night since that day we met in the bar, my mind can't seem to escape her. She's everywhere. She's everything. When I kissed her goodnight before she headed up, I gave her a chaste peck on the cheek, wishing it was more. But more just didn't seem to be possible.

I heard soft footsteps come down the stairs; I held my breath hoping it was Meredith. "Derek?"

I let out my breath, relieved it was her. "Mer?" I question. I sit up and turn on the light.

My Meredith. Standing there looking beautiful and restless, wearing the Dartmouth shirt I love so much, and a pair of black sweat pants. I wanted to sweep her off her feet and onto the couch. "Is something wrong?" I ask, wondering why she was standing there.

"I can't sleep," she told me.

"You can't sleep," I repeat for lack of anything else to say.

She starts looking around, I notice the look on her face, and she's scared and uncomfortable. She didn't seem to know what she was doing down here either. She makes a quick comment about going back upstairs, and a quick move to do it as well. Without thinking I start to shift over on the couch, to make room for her. "Come over here, Mer. Come lay with me for a bit." I suggest.

She doesn't respond, but leaves the stairs and starts walking towards me, keeping eye contact and still looking a little frightened. She climbs in beside me, and I feel her cold feet make contact with my warm ones. "Isn't that better?" I ask as I grab the blanket and go to lay back down.

My senses are overwhelmed by lavender. Her hair curls beside me face, filling my nostrils with the smell I had missed so much. No other could ever match it for me, not even a girl that used the same conditioner. Just Mer. I wrap my arms around her, not knowing if she'll accept it, but too caught up to not do it. I feel her shiver as our skin makes contact, and shiver a little myself when I note that she's not pulling away.

I feel her lean in closer and my heart rate triples; I wonder how I'm going to sleep tonight. "Oh, Mer," I whisper into her hair, not really caring about sleep.

She grips my bicep, "Derek" she says, and her voice sounds desperate.

She feels tense in my arms, I want to pull her closer and make it all melt away, but I have a feeling that won't work this time. Instead my hands find her hair and start to weave their way through it. It makes the smell of lavender more potent, and I almost feel like laughing at the joy of it all. Or crying. I'm not sure which one.

"Shhh, sleep Meredith. Just go to sleep," I hear myself saying.

"Der," is all I hear in response as she snuggles her head into my chest.

I wish I could sing her a lullaby, they worked with Emily. But Meredith has outgrown lullabies. And then a song comes to my head. I don't usually like country, hell usually I hate it. Not to mention the fact I can't sing. But the song fits us. It just seems right. So quietly I sing the words, wondering how I know them and hoping that it works. That Meredith doesn't just cringe and roll away. But I feel her body relax into mine.

I think she is falling asleep but as I finish the song she pulls back to find my eyes. I know she hates when I stare, but I just can't help it. Her eyes always manage to captivate me. And this time she's not pulling away. So I look, I just take it all in, breathing slowly, wanting to enjoy the moment that has taken to long to come. "Mer," I whisper, not sure what I want but wanting to hear her name on my lips regardless.

"Der," she responds. I feel her hands weave through my hair, playing with the dark curls she managed to make me love.

Our eyes are still holding each other's. We're both breathing shallowly, anticipating what may come next. I take a deep breath, bracing myself for the fear that I may be pushed away. And I lean forward and find her lips with mine. The kiss was fast, not rushed, just quick and simple. Not enough to start anything, but enough to tell her goodnight and that I loved her.

We pulled apart and I tugged her in closer in my arms, feeling her heart beat race against my stomach, my own racing against her head. Hers slowly starts to slow down and her breathing becomes more even as she falls asleep entangled around me.

I soon follow, smiling at the taste of Meredith on my lips, thankful to be where I am.

Izzie's POV:

It's always my luck, 4:30 in the morning and I manage to be the only person that has to be up that early. George has the day off, and the others, the ones that don't live here; they get to sleep in too. I'm always the early one.

I quietly tip toe down the stairs hoping not to wake George or Meredith up. I may be bitter but I'm not evil.

The sight that catches my eyes when I reach the bottom nearly makes me fall.

Meredith and Derek lay there, curled up on the couch together, covered by a blanket, smiling in a peaceful way that can only come with a happy sleep. Meredith is basically buried in his arms, and they both appear to be holding on for dear life.

In their minds, they probably are.

I feel a tear gather in the corner of my eye, and make a quick move to wipe it away. Derek had become a friend, he took Meredith's spot when she had ran. We were alone. We needed each other.

I was happy he didn't need me anymore.

I close the door quietly behind me, hoping not to wake them up. They'll make a cute McFamily I thought as I headed towards the car.

**Longest chapter ever, but I think it was worth it.**

**And yeah, I threw in Izzie's POV this time. Mainly because I wanted the image of Meredith and Derek in the early morning, still curled up fast asleep and smiling. Doesn't it just make you want to cry? Don't worry, other POVs will probably not appear again . . .I can write the other character but don't feel confident enough.**

**You know the drill . . .read, love, review.**

**And hahaha, can you just imagine Der singing? The man is sexy as all hell, but really? But I liked how it fit, so he sings now. Lol.**


	12. Who Says You Can't Go Home

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. If I did, Derek Shepherd would be here by known as the naked doctor, as he'd be naked all the time. Well not naked, you don't want little Derek hanging out all over patients, he can wear underwear.**

**And I am so sorry for the lack of recent updates. I've suffered from unexplainable writer's block this week, and every time I tried to write it came out sounding like crap. It's been an off week, I guess. So I slacked, and I'm sorry.**

**On another note, I think I'm finishing this one up quicker than I planned, because I've started brainstorming for another fanfic, and I really want to get going on it. Hehehe.**

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Meredith's POV:

My heart thudded in my ears as I reminded myself to put one foot in front of the other. I heard the buzz of people around me, but even that was dimmed by the roaring of my ears. My stomach did a flip as I reached I walked past a familiar room, my eyes straight ahead, meeting no one. Just trying to get through this. I walked through the hall trying to get my life started again.

"Dr. Shepherd to OR 1," a voice came over the intercom.

Good, I thought to myself, Derek was going to be distracted; I can talk to Burke in peace.

"Burke?" I asked as I entered the room, gently knocking on the door.

"Meredith, good to see you," Burke looked up from his new desk with a smile.

"Should I call you Chief now?" I asked. Burke had been a friend, now he was a future potential boss.

"Burke's fine. Preston is even better."

"Okay, Preston." The name sounds awkward on my tongue. I notice a picture of Cristina and him sitting on the desk, and wonder how awkward that makes her feel. And then my eye is drawn to another picture, one with a familiar dark head, his arm around Burke, who is holding a fish by the tail.

He sees where I'm looking. "Derek finally got me out fishing," he says with a laugh. "The guy was lonely, I felt sorry for him."

I feel a pain in my heart. I was right to run, I had every reason to run, but Derek being lonely always makes me feel bad. I had run and taken his family with me.

"So, Derek tells me you want to come home." Burke says, breaking the silence.

I feel my mouth widen into a smile. "I do."

"Well, I've taken the liberty of calling your hospital in Detroit and speaking to them about the possibility of transferring back home. I explained it was for family reasons. They're sad to lose you, but have forwarded the paper work to me, if you'd like to sign it."

Relief. The hospital in Detroit had never felt like home or family, but it was where I had spent the last five years. I had friends. Ties. My bosses liked me. The lower residents respected me. I had dreaded telling them it was over. "Sounds good," I say taking the papers he's offered me.

"Meredith," he holds them back for a second.

"Yes." I'm confused.

"As the chief, I'm thrilled to have you back, you're a great surgeon and the hospital could use you. However, as a friend, are you sure you're doing the right thing? Moving back here? Coming back to Derek?"

"Yes. No. Not really. But it's the right thing. For Emily. She needs to know him." I hate how everyone seems to know I'm terrified.

"Fair enough." He hands me the papers. I sign them and feel the relief rush through me. I was sure, this was the right thing to do. For me.

"Welcome back, Dr. Grey," Burke says, standing up to shake my hand.

I'm home.

_I went as far as I could, I tried to find a new face_

_There isn't one of these lines that I would erase_

_I lived a million miles of memories on that road_

_With every step I take I know that I'm not alone_

_You take the home from the boy but not the boy from his home_

_These are my streets, the only life I've ever known_

_Who says you can't go home_

Derek's POV:

Blonde catches my eye as it rushes out the door. I contemplate chasing her, asking her something about Emily just to see her smile. She always smiles when it's about Emily. But today was hard for her, coming to see Burke and getting her place back. Officially committing to Seattle. To a job here. To a life her. To trying something again with me.

"Stop staring," I hear a cynical voice from behind my shoulder.

"I wasn't," I rush to defend myself. I was staring. "I was just looking out the door."

"No, you weren't. You were looking at a certain person who just walked out that door."

"Dr. Bailey . . ." I began turning around to meet her short frame.

"Don't start that crap on me. You're not my boss anymore. So don't think it's going to work."

"It didn't work when I was your boss."

Bailey gave me a short laugh, as she turns to walk away.

"Dr. Bailey, how did you even know she was there?"

"I'm no fool, Dr. Shepherd. I have eyes. I saw her. And I saw that stupid look on your face."

"What look?" I think I know the answer.

"That one all the interns call the McDreamy look. Haven't seen it in a while, suddenly made a reappearance, I put two and two together and got four."

"I wasn't looking at her." I know I was, but I don't want Bailey to know it.

"No. No, no, no, no. There is no way this is happening again."

"What happening again?"

"Derek Shepherd, for a brain surgeon you're the stupidest man I've ever met. And I've met a lot of stupid men."

"Miranda," I know she hates when I call her that, "what are you talking about?"

"You. Meredith. You and Meredith," she says waving her hands around and gesturing. "The looks, and the denial. It kills her, Derek, literally kills her. She ran last time. You can't do it again."

"Bailey," I start, wanting to explain everything.

"Derek," Bailey cuts me off, "She had a child."

"It's my child."

"That's not the point. The point is she has a child. Another little person that depends on her for happiness and love. Another person that needs for her to be whole."

"I know . . ."

Bailey cuts me off again. "No you don't. You think you know, but you just walk around looking lost, confused, scared and a little love sick. Meredith doesn't need lovesick right now. She needs love and strength."

"I don't plan on . . . "

"Plan on what? Hurting her again? Making her run away? Because your stupid ass didn't plan on that the first time either."

"Bailey, I want . . ."

"Derek, this time it's not about what you want. It's about what that little girl of yours wants. And what Meredith wants."

I step back and hold my tongue unsure of what to say. I know I was wrong in the past, I know I hurt her and was stupid and everything Bailey is accusing me of. But besides Meredith, know one has ever called me on it before, and it hurts. It hurts more than it should. "She seems . . ."

"She's doing the best she can with what she has. But she only needs strong people right now Derek. And as good of surgeon as you may be, and even if you are charming in the overly moused sort of way, in the past you haven't been the strongest when it comes to Meredith Grey."

Bailey turns to walk away again, leaving me feeling crest fallen. I know she's right, Meredith needs people who can help her with her life. She acts like everything is okay, but being a resident with a young child can't be easy. She doesn't need a man who can't be what she needs.

I want to be that man. But can I? I have messed up so much in the past, as Bailey so eloquently pointed out. The hope I have felt since that night spent on the couch wooshes out of me.

"Dr. Shepherd," Bailey interrupts my thoughts. "I like Grey. And I like you. And you're both pretty damn miserable without each other. I'm rooting for you. I want you to be the strong one, Shep, I really do."

I smile, it feels like it fails somewhere along the edges. But it's a smile.

"Just don't go hurting my intern again."

**Okay, there it is. **

**First, I hope I didn't kill Burke. I hate writing the man. I feel like I understand the other characters, like I know them, so writing them is fun and challenging. Burke however, I can't really wrap my mind around. I love him and respect him, but don't fully understand and get him. But I needed someway to show he became Chief, and my next fanfic is going to be everyone, so I needed some practice. So let me know how it turned out!**

**Also … Bailey. It was completely an unplanned scene. Just kind of happened when I started writing. But I love them together, really really do. They have this amazing friendship and respect for each other, that they keep hidden through fighting and criticizing. Besides Bailey always seems to have the ability to confuse Der, make him pause and think. And I found that Derek was getting maybe a little to cocky in his likelihood of winning Mer back, so someone had to ground him. Bailey was the best person to do it. So in short, I hope the Bailey/Derek scene worked …that it felt like them and all that stuff.**

**On another note . . .CTV announced that it's showing Grey's at 8 on Thursdays. ABC shows it at 9. Which means I'll be watching it back to back every Thursday night! YAY! Gotta love being a Canuck.**

**So yeah . . .read, love, review. **

**I write so much in post author notes, I feel like I'm writing a blog for it. Explaining why everything happened. Seriously, Shonda should hire me, I'm made for the show.**


	13. Let's Be Us Again

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything . . . I am nothing but a poor college student who probably is a little too obsessed with a TV show.**

**Thanks for all the great reviews! I really really hope to be an author in the future, I want a book published more than anything else, so hearing people love my writing is great. And besides . . . I'm happy I seemingly nailed Burke and Bailey.**

**And the whole speeding this up so I can get started on my new fanfic, not happening. I went to shorten it and cut out a chapter. So yeah, both will be written at once. I can multitask.**

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Meredith's POV:

"I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine and he shall be my squishy." Dory said on the television screen.

My daughter sat in front of the screen, completely in awe with a smile that was far too much like her father's. She had never seen Finding Nemo. Because of Derek. Finding Nemo had been his. McDreamy had loved the children's movie, and I couldn't bare to watch it without him. The movie hurt.

Now it didn't.

I glanced over at him sitting beside me, laughing along with the movie. He's happy. Emily was happy.

I wish I knew if I was happy.

That night on the couch, falling asleep in his arms, I knew happiness. That night I had been happy in a way I think I had forgotten existed. But since that night, there had been nothing. No secret touches, no secret looks, no secret laughs. We had become friends. Two people sharing a child and that was all. In all the time we had known each other, even when we had been miles apart, it had never been that simple.

It never should be that simple for us.

His hand is sitting in between, just simply resting on the couch as he watches Merlin and Dory bounce between the jellyfish.

On instinct I reach out and wrap it in my own.

I feel him move, my heart races with fear that he is going to pull his hand away. It has only been a couple of days since the last time we touch, but it feels like it has been a lifetime.

He doesn't.

The movie fades into the background as we sit and hold hands, watching our daughter enjoy the ending.

_Look at me, I'm way past pride_

_Isn't there some way that we can try_

_To be us again?_

_Even if it takes a while_

_I'll wait right here until I see that smile_

_That says we're us again._

Derek's POV:

She sits beside me on the couch, calmly enjoying the movie, smiling like she doesn't have a care in the world. Enjoying the time relaxing with her daughter. And me. It almost seems like she doesn't even know I'm here.

But it's Meredith, she knows.

I haven't touched her since Saturday. It's been 4 days of hell. No resting my hand on her back where it belonged. No brushing her hair off her face. No kisses on the cheek to say goodnight. Nothing. It's killing me.

But Bailey hit me hard. I can't hurt Meredith again, we have someone else to consider now. And as much as I love her, I'm almost too afraid.

Petrified.

Bailey was right, I didn't mean to hurt her the first time. I never wanted to hurt her. But somehow I always managed to.

I loved her.

I think she loved me.

We could work this out; we could reach a place where I could be the man she needed. But it would take time. I had been rushing since she got back. That wasn't right.

So I stopped.

Now we sit on the couch. Apart.

I feel her soft hand find mine, and make a quick move to pull it away, completely in shock. But I stop. I can't bring myself to do it. I can stop myself from touching her, but I can't pull away when she touches me.

This is the first move she has made since it all restarted. I take it as a good sign.

So we sit, holding hands as the movie fades into the background.

As the credits begin to roll, Emily runs upstairs to play with the Barbie dolls George brought her home yesterday. Her "uncles and aunts" enjoy spoiling her far too much. I turn to Meredith, to find her staring straight ahead to the now blank TV screen. Her hand tightens around mine.

My hand tightens right back. I don't want to be slow. I want to be the man she needs right now. I want to be the man she needs forever.

"Meredith," I say. I'm shocked at how shaky my voice sounds. "We need to talk."

**Okay . . . I know it was short, and maybe not the most important chapter, but I like it. lol. **

**I felt that I had to show Meredith making a move. Everything that has happened thus far was Derek chasing her, which we all love, but I wanted to show that she was just as willing, in her small Meredith way (okay I know it's usually big Mer sex way, but she has a daughter, she doesn't sleep around anymore). So she held his hand.**

**More importantly, I needed to portray how much that speech from Bailey had hit Derek. He thought he was in, that Mer was going to commit to trying again with him, and someone had to bring him down. Someone had to make him realize that being with Mer wasn't going to be easy. And at the same time show that he wanted it enough to be strong.**

**Oh and the Finding Nemo thing . . .it's my boyfriend's fave kid's movie. And my boyfriend has been a complete sweetheart tonight, so it was my way of paying homage to my McDreamy. **

**I have a feeling my next chapter will be really long. And it will be posted tomorrow, so stay tuned!**


	14. Made of Steel

**Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Grey's Anatomy. If I did, I wouldn't be sitting here at 1 in the morning writing a fanfic. And all my brilliant ideas would happen on the show. And Meredith and Derek would be married by now. Lol. And the show wouldn't be nearly as good.**

**Yet again, thanks for all the great reviews! I love you all!**

**And I know I promised an update yesterday, but I got caught up in writing my new fanfic, so it got pushed back a bit. But here it is. . .and well it's all Mer/Der so you know it's good!**

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Derek's POV:

We do.

We need to talk. We have needed to talk for 5 years now, but I was too afraid to pick up the phone, to afraid of what might greet me at the other end. Now I knew what was at the other end, it was in front of me. But still I didn't know. I had hurt her.

We walked to the porch, silently agreeing that we couldn't do this in the house, with our daughter playing upstairs. Meredith sits down, looking at the unusual sunny sky. I watch as she takes a few deep breaths.

Meredith is scared.

So am I.

I sit down next to her. "I made a mistake."

Meredith just laughs.

"I had to choose. And I chose the wrong person."

"And you realized this 6 years after?"

"No." I pause. I don't want to say too much, to make her run. "I realized it immediately; I was just too scared to do anything about it."

Meredith remains silent, examining her fingernails.

"I was an ass."

"You were an ass."

"I'm sorry."

"Derek, I'm sure you are. But it seems a little too late to apologize now. So much has happened, so much has changed."

"But I am."

"You are. But you've been forgiven long ago. I, I can't regret anything that happened since the moment I met you. It gave me Emily."

I laugh, a sad one.

"Why now?" she asks in a small voice.

"Because . . .because I want a second chance. And I know I don't deserve one. I don't even deserve what I have. I broke you, Mer. And instead of leaving you to mend, I just kept breaking you some more. Until you ran."

"You have a point."

"I've regretted everything Mer, everything from the point that I chose Addison. It was all a mistake. I messed everything up."

"You did."

"I've spent the last 5 years regretting that night in the exam room. I don't regret it anymore, it gave us Em. But I regretted it for so long. It was so beautiful and perfect. But it shouldn't have happened. I was married."

"Derek, you weren't the only person there."

"I know." I refuse to blame her, it was me, all me.

"Why did you choose her, Der? You seemed so sure it was over, so sure you just wanted her to leave so you could continue with me. With us. But then you chose her."

"I don't know. I wish I had a real great answer for you. You deserve it. But, really I don't know. She was my wife. I felt I owed it to her, that I owed it to the vows I said. Now it seems like an empty and hollow excuse, but at the time I guess it seemed kind of important."

Meredith nods her head slowly, I wonder if she understands.

"And at the time, I thought, this, us, I thought it would stop. That I could move on and forget."

Meredith laughed, sounding small and sad.

"But it didn't. It didn't stop. It never has." Her hand sits next to mine, and I move mine so it covers hers. She doesn't pull away.

"And that's what prom night was about."

"That's what prom night was about. I wanted so badly to stop us Mer, so badly to make things work with my wife, but I just couldn't. And I finally gave up." I laugh now, small and happy. "And I liked looking at you."

"You liked looking at me. And you liked being with your wife."

"I was stupid. And I didn't like being with my wife, I liked the idea of being with my wife."

"You're an honourable man, Derek Shepherd."

"I'm a stupid man."

Meredith laughs. She doesn't say anything to disagree.

"After that night, why did you stay with her?"

"You were avoiding me. You wanted nothing to do with me. And I was scared."

"When did you finally leave?"

"About a week after you left. I couldn't do it anymore. I was miserable without seeing you everyday. And I couldn't have you anymore. I decided then that I didn't want Addison. Only you."

I felt Meredith's hand turn over under mine, as our palms met and she laced her fingers through mine. "And now you want a second chance?" She's smiling.

"I don't deserve one."

"Maybe you do."

"You need strength, Meredith." I say, thinking back to the words Bailey yelled at me the day before. "And Meredith Grey, when it comes to you, I've never been very strong."

"Der, you made mistakes. So did I." she says with a grimace. I wonder if she is thinking of the cause of our biggest fight, the men she used after me. "But you were always strong."

"No, I wasn't." I whisper.

"You were." Meredith says, squeezing my hand. "And you can be strong this time. Strong for our daughter. Strong for me. And for us."

"I'm scared. What if I can't be?"

"You can." Meredith says.

I take a deep breath, trying to sort out my thoughts, trying to figure out exactly what she is saying. It sounds like I may have my second chance.

"Meredith, you're a resident with a daughter. You can't have weak people in your life. Are you willing to take a chance on me again?"

"Derek, even if you are weak, scared and confused, I find my strength being next to you. You're my rock. Without you Derek, I'm weak."

"Meredith, you need someone strong." I don't know why I can't get my mind off this. She's saying everything right. She has the right words. And I'm just so scared, scared of hurting her again.

"Derek. I need you."

_Hold your head high _

_Don't look down _

_I'm by your side _

_Won't back down _

_You wanted a hero tonight _

_Well I'm not made of steel _

_I'm not made of steel _

_But your secret's safe with me _

Meredith's POV:

It's been six years, nearly seven actually.

Six years since a woman with red hair and legs for days walked into the hospital and with very few words destroyed me.

Six years since the man I loved more than life itself chose to stay with her.

He apologized. Finally.

It was long past due, and long past being needed. I knew for certain now, it had come slowly since I had been back, since that day he held me in the graveyard, the realization that all I really needed was him. I didn't need an apology, or even a profession of love, of always being together and the happily ever after. I needed him.

He seemed so weak, scared and vulnerable, sitting on my porch, trying to explain himself and trying to find the words that desperately needed to be said.

He needed me.

I squeezed his hand. "So, where does that leave us?" I ask.

"Working on it?"

"Working on it sounds good."

Silence for a few minutes, as we both sit and examine the ground at our feet.

"You can't." I pause. "You can't hurt me again."

" Mer, I don't plan to."

"I miss you. When I see a ferry boat. When I hear the Clash. When I see Muesli at the super market. When I see someone fishing. I miss you."

"I miss you too. Every time I smell lavender. When I come to here for supper or just to say hi. When I take a hike on our trail. Every time I pass the lingerie store and see black panties in the window."

Oh, those black panties. Over the years I've often wondered what ever happened to them. I laugh and lean closer into him. "So no more secret wives?"

"No more secret wives."

"Good. You know, we're not back, Der? Right? I mean, there's Emily we have to think about. We have to take time. Be careful."

"Make sure I can be strong enough."

"Make sure we can be strong enough." I correct him, amazed at the insecurity I have never seen in him before.

"We can take our time, Meredith. All the time we need."

My heart speeds up as I see him lean his face towards mine. His hot breath warms my lips as my hands linger up his chest. Our lips me, soft, loving.

Mike. I have to tell him.

Softly I push him away, hoping he doesn't take this the wrong way. "Before that, before all that, there's one more thing I have to tell you. And Der, I have to. We have to do it right this time."

Nervousness flashes in his eyes. "Okay."

"Derek, when I came here I left . . ."

The sentence never has a chance to finish. A car door slams in the driveway. "Meredith!"

Mike. In a weird twist of fates my secret shows up right before I'm about to alert Derek to it. Derek and I seem to be doomed.

"Mike," I say hearing the bitterness enter my voice. McDreamy's hand slowly raises up my back, comforting me from an enemy he doesn't know exists.

"Who's this?" Mike says, gesturing towards Derek. "Emily's father? They have the same hair."

Derek stands up and steps in front of me. Protective. I don't like the tone of Mike's voice. Seemingly, neither does Derek. "I am Emily's father. Derek Shepherd. And you are?"

"Mike Kent. Meredith's boyfriend."

My heart stops as Derek's head whips around to look at me, venom in the eyes I refuse to meet.

**Sorry this took so long to get posted . . .it was my computer's fault not mine. And some blame could be put on my boyfriend as well, but it is here now. With probably more to come tomorrow.**

**In other notes . . .I'm not one to blow my own horn, actually usually hate when people compliment themselves, but I LOVE this chapter! Hahaha . . .I know it's awful to say that but it's true. That Mer/Der scene, as I was writing it took my breath away. I think I managed to get Derek to say a lot of what needs to be said (in actuality on the show). He NEEDS to apologize and admit he's an ass and everything else. So I'm really happy that it turned out that way in my fanfic. I wasn't really planning on it. Yet again, character did what he wanted to do. Shonda makes very strong will powered fictional people.**

**And Mike showing up right when Meredith was going to tell Derek about him . . . that was a brainwave in the middle of writing. Everything comes back around on this show, so enter the Addison entrance scene (so nicely referred to earlier on). And how Derek got all protective . . .to me Mike really is an asshole, so it seemed natural he'd rub Der the wrong way and he'd get protective. And yeah Derek's pissed . . .but remember, Mike isn't actually Meredith's boyfriend. So don't stress too much.**

**And yeah, I'm aware that Mer's POV was about 100 times shorter than Der's. But to me, this was Derek's chapter. He needed this. In my fanfic and on the show. Next chapter they should be more even, or if anything Mer's may be longer.**

**Anyway, as I said update more tomorrow after work . . . I'll do this one before my season 3 one (which is proving to have very long chapters)**


	15. Bad Day

**Disclaimer: One day I will write for the show. Today is not that day. Tomorrow's not looking so good either.**

**Sorry it took so long to post this chapter. My week has been…well it's been hell. At least one day was hell, and then yesterday I got caught up in reading other peoples fanfics instead of writing my own. But here it is . . .a new chapter.**

**Oh and one person commented on the Our Lady Peace song last chapter! Yay for catching it! I worship OLP, love them so much!**

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Meredith's POV:

Life is messy.

My life was messier.

Derek and I had been through it all. Taken all the shit, all the tears and heartache and somehow were finally ending out on top. Together and happy. With a daughter and a future.

Mike had to choose that moment to show up.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, hearing the ice in my own voice.

"I came to see you and Emily. And to tell you that I think moving to Seattle could be a good idea. The three of us." Mike responds.

"You have a boyfriend?" Derek. He sounds hurt, angry, betrayed. I don't have to look at him to see how he looks. I know. I've been where he is.

"Had a boyfriend," I answer, staring in Mike's direction.

"Oh, so you didn't tell Daddy about me, did you?" Mike laughed. "Smooth move, Mer, smooth."

"Don't call me that."

"I always call you that."

"Well don't." I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to grab Derek and drag him into the house, to explain everything away. Part of me wants to deal with Mike.

"Babe, didn't you say we were moving to Seattle?"

Before I can answer I hear a muffled noise from beside me, where Derek still sits. Derek. Mike may be here, yelling and accusing, but Derek was mine. I looked at him, ignoring the angry man standing in front of us. Tears filled his eyes and his bottom lip was looking shaky. "Der . . ."

"Meredith," Mike interrupted before I could finish what I was trying to say.

"No Mike, I didn't say we were moving to Seattle."

"Well, you said you were. And I want to be with you. And Emily. So here I am. I quit my job and everything."

"Mike . . ." I said, not really worried about what he was saying, more concerned about McDreamy beside me.

"Meredith, babe, we can have our happily ever after, here."

Happily ever after, it's what I've always wanted. Just to get the knight in shining armor and the castle. But the knight is Derek. The castle is a trailer.

"Mike, I don't want that. Not with you." My hand finds Derek's knee, hoping to comfort him, hoping he won't leave me. He pulls away.

"I'm . . ." Derek's voice sounds like it's about to crack. "I'm going to go say bye to Em. I'll . . . I'll see you later Meredith." he says as he stands up and heads towards the door.

"Derek, "I get up to chase after him.

"That sounds like a good idea, Derek." Mike said. "Go say goodbye to her. I should go say hi to my daughter."

"Your daughter?" Derek and I both say, incredulous, as we stop in our tracks.

"Well, she will be soon enough."

"No Mike, she won't." I start to argue. Derek just groaned and walked to the door.

"Daddy!" Emily had come downstairs, to see what was going on with the adults.

"Hey princess!" Derek said, as I watch him force a smile onto his face. "Daddy's going to go home for now. Mommy's boyfriend came to see the two of you."

"Your mommy's boyfriend, aren't you?" Emily asked.

"No, no I'm not." Derek said, giving me a look full of pain and something that looked a little like hatred.

"Cupcake! Look who's here!" Mike shouted, coming into the house, interrupting mine and Derek's silent communication.

I pulled my eyes away from Derek, to find the look on my daughter's face. She had never really liked that nickname, but she liked Mike, so she always seemed to put up with it. Mike had been like a father to her. But now she had her dad, she loved her dad. So much had changed, I had to see how she reacted to his arrival. To see if it really was Derek that she wanted.

My daughter's grin that looked like Derek's fell, to be replaced with the frown, that mirrored the one on my face exactly.

"Hi Mike," she said sounding less than enthusiastic. With that she got up, and grabbed Derek's hand, as he was still standing beside her. "Don't go Daddy, please?"

She bought me time. Derek wouldn't leave when Emily begged him not to.

"Princess, daddy's not going anywhere," I said, giving him a glance that threatened him if he tried to do anything different. "How about you go say hi to Mike?"

"I don't want to." She moved behind Derek's leg, hiding like the first time I had brought him to the house.

"Why not?"

"He's not my daddy. I want to stay with my daddy."

I looked up, meeting the eyes of the two men. Derek looked relieved, still hurting, but relieved. He probably figured he had lost me, but he still had his daughter. Mike looked heartbroken. I wanted the jerk to leave, I had come home, things had finally been working for me and he had come and ruined it all, possibly forever. But he had been there, for the last 2 years he had been there. When I was too scared to come home, too scared to tell Derek, he had been there, and he had been like a father to Emily. I didn't want to see him hurt like that, even if I knew it was right.

"Mike," I said walking towards him. "I'm sorry, you shouldn't have come."

Before I can register what's happening, Mike's lips are on mine. Hard. Forceful, kissing me passionately, even when I don't return the passion. Shocked, I let it continue for a moment, not knowing what is going on, not knowing what to do. Then I hear Derek swear quietly under his breath. I push Mike away, wondering how to get him out of here and fast.

_Where is the moment when we need it the most _

_You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost _

_They tell me your blue sky's faded to grey _

_They tell me your passion's gone away _

_And I don't need no carrying on _

Derek's POV:

Over the last six years I had often found myself wondering how Meredith felt when Addison had walked up and destroyed everything. Sad. Hurt. Betrayed. Broken.

Standing there, looking at Mike, my Meredith's boyfriend, I wish I had never wondered.

Many people had told me that Meredith and I were meant to be together, even my ex-wife and her new husband told me time and time again. I had always believed it. Through all the shit. Through all the years apart. I had believed it was meant to be. And today, today it had finally nearly happened.

Than Mike had come.

The only thing that Meredith and I were meant to be is complicated.

Nothing ever went the way we planned.

Looking at Mike hurt, it hurt more than looking at Finn ever had. Because I had known about Finn, Meredith had never lied to me about Finn. Mike she had never told me about, she had kept him secret and lied. Mike hurt.

Besides, he was such a big asshole he made me look like the nice guy.

And then she kissed him.

Here I was thinking he was just an ass, that Meredith wanted nothing to do with, hurt that she had kept him secret and hurt that she seemingly never really ended things with him. But still quietly willing to back up Mer, to protect her and to still sit by her side. Where I belonged.

But then she kissed him.

I swore under my breath, turning away, feeling my heart breaking.

I had thought Meredith moved to be with me, moved to give us another shot. It sounded like that's where things were going, just moments before. But now, now she was kissing him.

Not me.

**That's it, that's all you get for now.**

**And one of the reasons this took so long to post was because I was having problems writing it. I don't know why. This chapter had to be there, Mike had to have his piece, and I had to show that Mer still didn't want to see him hurt. To show that he wasn't a complete ass. And I had to share how Der felt about it all. However, it took forever to come out.**

**And I'm still not 100 sure I like it. **

**Besides that, I don't have too much to say about this one. Mer obviously is all about getting Mike to leave and explaining to Derek. And Emily just wants her daddy. And Derek Is now understanding how Mer feels. And yes Derek is mad, but sanely mad . . .he's hurt however he's willing to look past it. That is until Mike kisses her, but more about that next chapter. Which should be posted later tonight.**


	16. Chasing Cars

**Disclaimer: So my brother was telling me today that they're trying to make it legal for people to own other people's body parts. I'm going to own Patrick's hair. At the moment, however, I own nothing.**

**Thanks again for all the great reviews!**

**And seriously people? Me break up Mer and Der? Are you nuts? Trust me; this whole Mike showing up is going to make something very important happen. So don't kill me just yet.**

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Derek's POV:

I thought I knew heartbreak. The day that I found out Meredith had stepped on a plane and was permanently leaving Seattle, me, I thought that was heartbreak. But this, seeing her kiss another man when I had honestly thought I had a chance. It went beyond anything I had ever felt.

"I'm out of here," I say, running my hands through my hair. I know Emily wants me to stay; I want to stay for her. But it hurts too much.

"No, Derek, don't. Don't go!" Meredith says, sounding a lot more calm than I feel.

"What? You want me to stay and watch the happy little reunion?" Venom makes my voice sound harsh.

"No! There is no reunion. Mike and I, we're over."

"So you usually kiss people after you're 'over'? One second, a certain exam room escapade is coming back to me. I guess you do." I didn't mean to say that. I didn't mean to cheapen that night. But I was hurt. Angry. Broken. It slipped out.

"How dare you!" Meredith is angry now.

"Meredith, you're the one that didn't tell me you were seeing someone, the one that made me believe we had a chance."

"I'm not seeing anyone. We broke it off when I decided to stay here. With you!"

"Well Mike here seems to think differently."

"That's because Mike is an idiot!"

"You should have told me," I quietly hiss at her.

"And you should have told me about Addison."

"Meredith, Addison is history. Hell that was over 6 years ago."

"And it was the same damn thing that's happening right now! We seem to be good at omitting the truth. So you don't have a right to be angry."

"I didn't kiss her in front of you."

"No you stayed married to her, and that's a lot worse."

"Meredith, I had to! I promised to when I married her, I had to give it one last shot." I yelled turning around in disgust. "I thought we already had this fight. I thought . . ."

"We did." Meredith said cutting me off. "And I don't want to fight about it again, but how can you be so angry I did this? It's what you did to me."

"I can be angry! Because you know what? It feels like shit, Mer. Complete and utter shit."

"Now you know how I felt."

The angry words that were on the tip of tongue raced back to my brain, refusing to be heard. Now I knew how she felt. She hadn't done anything I hadn't done. If anything I had done worse. "But he kissed you." My voice sounds small, even to me. It's the last leg I have left to stand on.

"And I pushed him away, Derek. Mike and I, we're over."

"I'm sorry." I'm an ass. An idiot.

"I know." Meredith gives me a sad little smile, reaching for my hand.

My hand finds her, and the feeling of desperation and defeat that came with Mike's arrival washes away. Our hands fit. This is right. We're right. She told me she finds her strength in me. I find my strength in her, it's there, in her tiny ineffectual fists.

"I should have breathed. Should have taken time to listen. But I was a sink with an open drain. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Meredith said, with a cute little giggle. "We're allowed a first fight."

I smile at her, still feeling shaky and sad. "I love you." Those three words, said too much. This time they were enough.

_All that I am, all that I ever was_

_Is here in your perfect eyes_

_They're all I can see, I don't know where_

_Confused about how as well_

_Just know that these things will never_

_Change for us at all_

_If I lay here, If I just lay here_

_Would you lie with me_

_And just forget the world_

Meredith's POV:

"I love you." The voice was shaky only moments ago, but not on this declaration. It sounds strong. The shocked look on his face tells me he didn't mean to say what he did, but he meant the words.

Derek Shepherd loves me.

I don't say it back. I can't say it back. I love him, but now, now is not the time. Instead I just smile, a whole face happy smile and give his hand a tight squeeze.

Those three words were enough.

Drawing strength from the hand in mine I turn to Mike. "You should leave."

"Meredith, baby . . ."

"No. You have to leave."

"Please, Mer. Think it through. I've never hurt you like he has," he begs shooting Derek a look of loathing. I think of times in the past when I have begged Derek, to pick me, and wonder if I looked as pathetic. Derek squeezes my hand.

"We don't want you here, Mike. You were my life if Detroit. I needed you there. Now I'm home. We don't need you anymore. Go home Mike."

"Come on, babe," Mike starts again.

Derek's hand gently slips out of mine as he moves to stand protectively in front of me. My hands find his back, giving him the strength he may need. He's my rock, my strength. I'm his.

"Mike," Derek sounds calm, rational. "I believe Meredith asked you to leave. So go!" He sounds like he is talking to a mad dog.

"She doesn't need you to fight her battles." Mike said, starting to turn the awful shade of red he does when he is angry.

"No she doesn't. But this isn't only her battle, it's ours." Ours, it sounds good. Right.

"You have no right . . ."

"Oh, that's where you're wrong. I have every right."

"Meredith, she's mine."

"Yet again. Wrong. She's not yours, Mike. Never was. Has been mine ever since that night in the bar. Will be mine till, well always. And Emily, she's mine too. Move along, and deal with it."

"Do you want to handle this outside, Dr. Shepherd?" Mike asks, forming fist out of his two hands.

"No, not really, Mike. I just want you to leave."

"What? Not willing to fight for the woman you love?" Love. That word again. Derek Shepherd loves me.

"I would, if I felt the need to. But you're not a threat, Mike. Just an annoyance."

"I don't have to go."

"You don't. I can call the police."

"I could stay, here in Seattle, and fight for her. You can't stop me." Mike is starting to sound desperate.

"You could. If you do, I will make your life hell. And you'll still lose."

"I could win."

"No. Because when it comes to Meredith, I will always win."

"Goodbye, Mike." I say, over Derek's shoulder, hoping one final goodbye will be enough to make him leave. I don't need Derek starting a fist fight with his daughter near by.

Mike gave me one last piercing look and left muttering curse words under his breath.

"I should go too, Mer. You and Emily should talk. I should go." Now that the threat is gone, Derek looks scared and bewildered. We had agreed to go slow. We needed slow. The things he had said, they weren't slow.

"You should."

"Tell Emily I said bye, and that I'll see her later. Give her a kiss for me."

"Will do." I respond, wondering if he has a kiss for me as well.

"Bye, Meredith. I'll see you around." He leans in toward me, and our lips find each other. Quick and soft. A simple goodbye.

"See you around," I answered as I watch him close the door behind him. "See you." I finish to the door, now closed and void of Derek.

I smile, going to find our daughter, wherever she is hiding, feeling a joy I wasn't sure would ever return. When and how was still uncertain, but things would never change.

Derek and I were going to be okay.

**My first REALLY important note about this chapter, is three really seemingly insignificant lines that I'm hoping no one missed. Right at the end. The "You should" "I'll see you around" and the "See you around. See you". You've all heard them before . . .probably a gabillion times. Not even going to say where. Why did I use them? Because they're starting again, from scratch, and I wanted to show that magic. Oh, and although you can't see their faces . . .the looks they had in the scene I stole the lines from, yeah, same looks.**

**My other note . . .yeah, Emily wasn't around when Mer and Der were fighting. Because I don't know about anyone else but when my rents started fighting I went somewhere else. So Emily went to hide.**

**And yeah, this chapter has the same name as the story. But if you failed to notice, I referenced the song twice within the chapter. Those three words. And how things would never change. Yeah, I'm proud of myself.**

**And seriously, yet again . . .of course Mer and Der were going to be okay.**

**You know the drill . . .read, love, review. And I may or may not update this one tomorrow, depends on how my day goes. I really have to work on the S3 one. I should have done that tonight but I was scared I'd be killed if I didn't write this chapter. You needed to know that Mer and Der were fine. So definite S3 update tomorrow, possible update in this one.**

**Oh and this one only has 3 chapters left. And they will be lovely and beautiful and romantic.**


	17. The Way You Look At Me

**Disclaimer: Shonda owns the show and all the characters. I just like playing around with them.**

**Thanks for all the great reviews!**

**And this chapter will be short, but really moving . . .hopefully.**

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Meredith's POV:

One month.

It had been one month since Derek had chased Mike out of my house, and one month since the last time I had seen or heard from Mike. One month since my daughter had told me she wanted her daddy, and only her daddy. One month since I had admitted I wanted the same thing.

One month since Derek had told me he loved me.

And nothing had happened.

He came by for supper once a week like usual. He would come and watch movies with us when we had free time and hold my hand as we sat beside each other. On days off Emily and I would go see him at the trailer, and spend days fishing and lazing around on his land. Every night we said goodbye he'd give me a quick kiss, telling me each time that he would see me around.

I was going nuts.

I stood at the nurses' desk, scanning the chart of a patient that had just been admitted after falling off a roof when I heard someone say his name.

I looked up.

He stood across from me, echoing my actions in looking over a chart. He was humming a song as he concentrated on the chart. He had no idea that he was being watched.

So I stood, and watched.

In the five years I had been gone he hadn't changed much. His hair was still dark, with just a few strands of grey showing his age. The laugh lines around his eyes had grown a little deeper, but it only made him more attractive. He was still the beautiful Derek Shepherd my heart had tripped over itself falling for.

He suddenly looked up, realizing that I was standing across from him. Staring at him.

Our eyes met.

Time stopped.

His eyes had been so sad when I first arrived, even when he smiled they weren't the eyes I had been accustomed to. Now they were. The happiness was back. The spark was back.

I wanted to pull my eyes away, look somewhere else, anywhere else. I thought of looking back at the chart that was still in my hands. Of paging the intern that was assisting me. Of just walking away.

I couldn't.

So I looked at my McDreamy.

And he looked at me. In the same way he had the day of the bomb when he told me to wait for it past. In the way he had right after our first surgery together. In the way he looked at me in the elevator, just days after our biggest fight. Or the day he took my blood test. He just looked.

It wasn't going to pass.

To hell with being slow.

_'Cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me_

_It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece_

_You made me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be_

_I'd never know what you see_

_But there's somethin' in the way you look at me_

Derek's POV:

One month.

It had been one month since I found out that Meredith hadn't really been mine, one month since I found out about the Detroit boyfriend. One month since I had chased him off her front porch, telling him that Meredith was mine. One month since I had admitted to myself that that's really all I've ever wanted, for Meredith to be mine.

One month since I had told her I loved her.

But we were going slow. So instead of doing what I yearned to do, pulling her into my arms and never letting go, I went slow. Every time we were together I made sure others were there. I kept going to her place for supper. I held her hand when we all watched movies. I invited her and Emily to spend the day with me. And when I said goodnight I always gave her a quick chaste kiss and told her I'd see her around.

I was going nuts.

I felt her grey eyes on me, and knew it was her before I even had looked up. There was something about her. Something in the way she looked at me that I could always feel it, always knew when she was there.

In the five years that had happened since she disappeared from me she had no changed that much. Her hair was still the honey blond that smelled like lavender. Her smile still lit up the room, my world. She didn't look as tired now, not as stressed or fragile. My Meredith had grown.

Nothing had changed between us. It was driving me nuts.

Our eyes met.

Time stopped.

I thought of all the things I should be doing. I was Burke's right hand. I had patients to check on, interns to frighten, a surgery to book. I could use a break, some food and some sleep. Some sex. I knew I should stop looking, that I should just walk away. But I couldn't.

So I looked at my Meredith.

And she looked at me. In the same way she looked at me when I told her that we weren't about the chase. In the same way she looked at me when we had put Doc down, in that stupid vet's office. In the way she looked at me in the elevator, just days after our biggest fight. Or the night after the prom when I silently begged her to chose me. She just looked.

It wasn't just the chase.

To hell with being slow.

**Okay, there it is . . . the third last chapter. Really have no reason it took a while to post, my only defense is I've been enjoying reading other fanfics a little too much.**

**Umm, not much to say about this chapter. It's quite straight forward, and there wasn't even any dialogue. Just their thoughts and the looking. And I really hope I captured how they're looking at eachother . . .it's their look. You know the one. So yeah. I know there wasn't much movement in the chapter, but I really wanted to use the song. Plus, I needed them to reach a point in which they both didn't want to be slow anymore. Which will lead to something next chapter, but I can't say what.**

**Oh and in case you didn't know . . .biggest fight "You don't get to call me whore!"**

**My fave part was "It wasn't going to pass" and "It wasn't just the chase". I personally loved it.**

**So read, love, review. Reviews make me smile.**

**And I'll probably update tonight, while watching the hockey game! Go Edmonton Go!**


	18. My Front Porch Looking In

**Disclaimer: GA is not mind. It's sad . . .really.**

**Sorry it has taken so long to update this. It is not my fault, that is the fault of the website. It's been down or something and not letting me update at all. Had it let me, this would have come exactly when I promised.**

**But I'm updating now! So yay!**

**And warning, this chapter (and the next one) will be super cheesy. Lol. But after all the angst they've gone through, I think they deserve some cheesy happiness.**

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Derek's POV:

I stood over the barbecue, watching my daughter run through my yard, her laughter ringing through my head. She was with her friends, girls whose mothers or fathers were co workers of mine and Mer's. Mer. I look over at where she stands, with her friends, setting the picnic table up so all the children could go eat. She looked up and we caught each other's eyes, smiled.

Life is good.

This is what I had been waiting for, looking for. The kind of life I had grown up with. It was back with me.

Hell, I hope I don't mess it up again. I had a knack at messing it up.

And today, I may.

"What's cookin, good lookin?" a familiar soft voice says beside me. I had not noticed she had left the others and came to stand by me.

"Did you just?" I look at Meredith, finding myself speechless at the awful line she had just used.

"Yeah. I did. I blame it on the nice weather, makes me toxic."

"You're happy."

"I'm happy."

I smile at her and lean over to give her a quick kiss on the cheek. I can't screw this up this time. "Stick around when everyone leaves, I have a gift for Emily."

"Well, it is her birthday, gifts come with the territory."

"I don't want others around. Just our family."

"Our family." Meredith repeats. Our family. It felt good saying it, even better hearing her say it.

"I've been meaning to ask, what's Em's last name?"

"Shepherd."

"You gave her my name?"

"Yes." Meredith says, blushing a beautiful shade of pink. "I didn't mean to. I wanted to say Grey. I meant to say Grey. Shepherd came out."

"Thank you."

Meredith smiled, it lit up the already sunny day. (AN: I warned it was going to be cheesy, lol). "Thanks yourself. Emily's always had parties inside our apartment, this party is, well amazing. You outdid yourself."

"She's my daughter."

"She's your daughter."

The rest of the party goes smoothly, the girls finally stop running to eat their hotdogs, and then Emily opens all her gifts. Mainly Barbie dolls. And a little toy doctor's kit. Izzie leads them in some games, as the rest of us lean back and enjoy the view of the lake and the sounds of happy children.

"Fine, I'll marry you," Cristina turns to Burke who's sitting beside me. "But I don't want any of those. Look what it turns you into." She gestures to Meredith and I, who are holding hands tightly. Mer has a stupid grin on her face. I imagine mine matches.

Burke just smiles.

The party ended just as the sun began to set, and everyone tired and sticky piled in cars to go home. By the time the stars had come out, only my family was left.

My family.

"Thanks for the party Daddy!" Emily says reaching for my hand.

"No problem, Princess."

"It was so much fun! And all my friends though you lived in the coolest place. They don't have this much grass."

"You dad does have a lot of grass." Meredith sounds tired.

"I'm tired." Emily says with a yawn.

"Okay, honey, we can go home soon."

"Can daddy come with us?"

"Of course, Daddy can come with us."

"But before we head home, sweetie, I have one more surprise for you. It's in the trailer."

_I've traveled here and everywhere followin' my job_

_I've seen the paintings from the air, brushed by the hand of God_

_The mountains and the canyons reach from sea to shining sea_

_But I can't wait to get back home to the one He made for me_

_'Cause anywhere I'll ever go and anywhere I've been_

_Nothin' takes my breath away like my front porch looking in._

Meredith's POV:

Tired. I'm used to being tired, my job leaves me tired. Staying up all night, unable to sleep as thoughts of Derek fill me head leaves me tired. Having all of Emily's friends to Derek's house for a birthday party leaves me tired. A good tired, but tired.

Thinking of Derek coming home with me, giving me a quick kiss goodnight and sleeping on my couch left me feeling exhausted.

I looked over at Derek, where he was leading our daughter into the trailer. He looked nervous. Derek didn't get nervous.

"Oh my god Daddy! It's so perfect!" I rushed in behind them, wondering exactly what was so perfect.

In front of me was a very large wooden doll house. The kind that every little girl dreams about owning but never actually gets. The kind that seems magical and perfect. It was a dollhouse that represented it's own little world.

"Wow." It was all I could manage to say.

"I didn't know what to get you, and your aunts in New York suggested a doll house."

"I have aunts in New York? Like Aunt Izzie and Cristina?"

"Just like them. They're my sisters."

Emily doesn't really pay attention to his answer, she had become to busy peaking through windows and examining the rooms that filled the house. She looked enchanted.

"Where did you get that?" I asked Derek as I moved to stand beside him.

"I built it."

"You built it?" Em asked, sounding as surprised as I felt.

"With some help from Preston, George and Alex. Yeah."

"Wow, Derek."

"Mommy, can I play with it?"

"Of course you can."

Derek walked over and grabbed two beers from his fridge and sat down on the couch, leaning his head to indicate that I should join him. So I did.

"You really shouldn't have, Der."

"Why not?"

"It's so extravagant and big. You don't have to spoil her Derek, you really don't."

"Meredith, she's my daughter. And for the first five years of her life I wasn't there. That's not my fault, but it is my job to make it up to her. This dollhouse, it's for all her birthdays that I missed."

I feel tears in my eyes as I think of those birthdays. The small gathering of coworkers that came over to celebrate her first. The same gathering again for her second. Her third was the first real party for her, with friends from her daycare coming and playing all day. Fourth and fifth were much the same. And every year I'd excuse myself for a moment, so I could sneak off to my bedroom and dig up an old picture of her father, and cry for all that he was missing.

He was never going to miss anything again.

We sat in silence for a while, sipping our beers and watching our daughter play through the house, discovering all the rooms and all the different places she could play. The look of wonder on her face was one that I had only seen once before, soon after we moved here and I had decided that she was ready to find out more about being a doctor and had taken her to see one of Derek's surgeries. Her father had a way of enchanting her.

Her father had a way of enchanting me.

Finishing his drink, Derek leaned back further and threw his arm around me. Not even thinking I cuddled in further, getting comfortable against him, enjoying the comfort of feeling his body against my own. I thought of it all. Of everything that we had shared together after our first meeting, all the fun we had had. And then the heartache that soon followed when Addison had shown up. The exam room. Finding out I was pregnant and running away. The pain of living five years without him, not knowing what he was doing or who he was with. And coming back, finding out that everything, from the small touches, small glances, everything, was still there.

Nothing had changed. Nothing ever would.

"I love you." I say.

Shit, I had been thinking it, thinking it since I didn't remember when. Those three words had been on my mind since long before Addison had even entered the picture. Those three words had never disappeared. But I hadn't planned on saying them out loud.

I look up at him.

He looks down at me, smiling in his McDreamy way. He hugs me tighter to him and remains silent. Smiling.

"By the way Derek, how are we going to fit that thing into the car to get it my place?" I say, wanting to break up what could become an awkward silence.

"Mer, I think it's about time we take a walk." With that he's up and reaching out his hand to bring me with him.

"What about Em?" I say, gesturing to the little girl that's to enthralled in her gift to even think of moving.

"We're staying on my land, not going that far. She'll be fine."

"Okay."

"Yes. Walk. Now."

The nervous, un-Derek-like look is back on his face.

**Hahaha. . . .cliffhanger! Don't you all just love me? Why does McDreamy want to take Meredith for a walk? Why is he nervous?**

**And I like this chapter, and there's not too much in depth explaining I can do. Remember after Damage Case, when Shonda wrote in her blog and said on the podcast that there wasn't much that could be said, because anything she could say would give away things for the upcoming week? Yeah it's like that.**

**And honestly . . .I don't even know if there is a couch in that trailer. I don't think there is. Where the hell would it be? But I liked the image of Derek and Meredith cuddling on the couch again. It's so normal and couply. So for this chapter, there is a couch.**

**I loved how Meredith just slipped I love you. Hehehe.**

**And that is all I can say. You know my drill . . .read, love, review.**

**Oh, before you all beg and plea and threaten me to update . . .my boyfriend has a ball game again tonight, at 9. And then I will be coming home and I will write the next and final chapter then. I promise. Promise. Promise. Promise. (seriously . . .as of tomorrow I'm busy all weekend because a close friend is getting married on Friday so I won't make you wait, it will be tonight)**


	19. The Special Two

**Disclaimer: Since my last update I won the lottery and literally bought Grey's Anatomy. It is now mine. Expect Derek and Meredith to get McMarried and have lots of McBabbies. And a lot of shirtless McSteamy. Okay . . . yeah, obviously just kidding.**

**Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! I love to know that people are liking it . . . as I put way too much time and effort into thinking it all up. Lol.**

**This chapter will be good. You will all love it and be happy.**

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Derek's POV:

The walk was short, less than 10 minutes away from where my trailer sat. I was silent the whole time, just listening to the pounding of my heart. Nervous in a way I did not know existed. In all my times performing life saving operations I had never felt this nervous. Not when Tucker was on the table, not when Burke was on the table. Never. This. Nervous.

Meredith made me nervous. My job was my job. Meredith was my life.

Things had been going well for us, really well. We had gotten the moving slow thing down to an art. Just small kisses, small touches, and a lot of big smiles. It felt right. Perfect.

But she said she loved me.

Tonight was going to be fast.

I couldn't mess this up again.

"Derek, it's a hole. Albeit, a big hole, but a hole." Meredith pointed out to me as we reached our location. She looked over it, looking confused and maybe a little disappointed. Wonder what she had been hoping for?

"It's a basement."

"No, basements are the bottom level of houses, Der. This is not a basement."

"Well, it's going to be one." Thud. Thud. Thud. My heart pounds.

"You're building a house."

"I'm building a house.

"You finally figured out what to do with all this land?"

"Yes. I did." Thud. Thud. Thud. My heart pounding is almost making it impossible for me to talk.

"And you're showing me because?"

"It's yours." I mumble, looking down at my feet.

"What?"

"It's yours."

"It's mine?" She's looking over the hole again, no longer looking disappointed but looking more and more confused.

I take a deep breathe and decide it may be best to ignore the volume raising from my chest. "My family has a tradition, and you missed it."

"I missed it?"

"Every woman gets a gift after they give birth to the first child. Something substantial, something that means something. Not diamond earrings. Not a picture frame. Something big. My mom got sent to college to finish her degree."

"I missed it."

"You got a house."

"Why did I get a house? I have a house."

"Mer, you don't have a house. You have a community center for wayward Seattle Grace surgeons. It's fun for her right now, but think about when she's older and she bring friends home. Dates home. She can't live there."

"You have a point."

"I know," I say, slowly nodding my head. "She loves my land. It would make life easier. On all of us." My heart's thudding is getting louder, so I feel myself getting closer to the very big part of this all.

"It would," Meredith responds, slowly turning away from the whole and looking around.

"Do you want it?"

"No. Yes. Crap."

"Which one is it?" I take a deep breath. "You can take time and think about it if you want." This will delay the rest of what I have to say.

"Yes. Yes I want it."

"Good." I smile as my heart goes haywire in my chest.

"Derek, it's on your land."

"This is why you're a good surgeon, Dr. Grey. Very observant."

Meredith rolls her eyes. "What does this mean?" The question. The question that has haunted me since that night in the exam room. The question which I had always wanted to take back, to just say what it meant to me. The question that changed my life.

Tonight it was going to change my life again.

"It means one of two things. One, you and Emily can live here. It will be your home. I can build another house, a smaller house somewhere else on the land and we can live as neighbours. Two, and the much more appealing of the options, I can live here with you and Emily. Be with you."

_And we can only see each other _

_We'll breathe together _

_These arms will not be taught to need another's _

_And we're the special two _

_I'll step outside my minds eyes, for a minute, _

_And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease _

_Or something that could ease the pain. _

_But nothing cures the hurt that you, bring on by yourself _

_Just remembering, just remembering how we were _

Meredith's POV:

"Two, and the much more appealing of the options, I can live here with you and Emily. Be with you." Derek said, in a shaky voice. I was hoping he'd say that.

I knew my answer.

But I remembered the drama of years earlier, of him saying there was no problem and he'd sign the papers. And then telling me he needed time to think. And not signing them at all. McDreamy needed to sweat a little.

"Please tell me it's not an exact replica of Em's dollhouse."

Derek laughs a little. Nervously. "No, not at all. That's something Izzie would do. Maybe George. Not me. Or you." Derek had really become closer to the other interns after I had left, he really knew them. I loved him.

"What's the view like?" It higher up on his property than we had ever spent time.

"Breathtaking. It overlooks the water. It's probably the best view on the whole land. Well right after the clearing, but I couldn't dig up Doc's grave."

"So I'll be able to watch the sun rise every morning?"

"You will. There's going to be a picture window in the master bedroom facing the water just for you. I know you have a thing for sunrises."

"That sounds nice."

Derek just makes his noise. The noise I had always thought of as the McDreamy noise. Somewhere in between a sigh and an affirmative sound. It had always sent shivers down my back. He looked at me, the McDreamy look; I could tell he was dying to know what option I had chosen.

"I love you, Derek." I meant to say it this time.

"I love you, Meredith." He sounded strong, confident.

"We have been through a lot, Der. We've been through hell. More than any couple in the world deserves to have to put up with."

"I know. If could take it all back, Mer, I would."

"I wouldn't. That hell, it's makes us Meredith and Derek. I thought our love story is epic. Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined and blood shed."

Derek laughs. He always loved my melodramatic side. "You really think a relationship should be that hard?"

"No one writes songs about the ones that come easy."

"True." He pauses for a moment. I'm not sure if he's waiting for me to say something more or just gathering thought. "So."

"So."

"Mer, you have to give me more than that."

"I know. I want …" I pause over a lump in my throat. It's been a long time since I had ever gotten what I really wanted. I hadn't been given that chance since the first time the love story began. "I want you."

"You want me?"

"I want you to live with me. Be with me."

"You're sure, Meredith?"

I smile and think of that night in the bar when we first met. He had asked me that question that night as well, after I had jumped on him during darts. After I had asked him if he wanted to come home with me that night. I was sure than. I'm sure now.

"I'm terrified, Der. But I'm sure."

"Is it just for Emily, do you want her to have a dad that badly?"

"Derek, no matter where we lived she'd have a dad. I could move to Japan, and you'd still find a way to be a good dad. This isn't for Emily. The last five years have been for her. This is for me."

"I love you."

"I love you, too." I say, feeling a smile spread across my face. I had smiled for 5 years without him; it had never felt this real.

"Mer, we should still take this slow. No rushing."

"No rushing."

"We'll take this relationship step by step. We can't . . . I can't . . . destroy this one again. I don't think I could go another 5 years without you." He runs his hands through his hair, looking stressed, reminding me so much of our daughter. She had picked the mannerism up, long before she had ever seen her father do it.

"Derek, we can go slowly; but not snails slow. It's been too long Derek, far too long. And since we agreed to be slow, it's been to slow. I need some speed, some excitement.

"I just . . ."

I cut him off, not wanting to hear him tell me he's sorry yet again. I know he is. I don't want more promises of how he'll never hurt me again. He may, but I will know he didn't mean it. I don't want the stress that has always been our relationship. For once, I want the happiness. "I know, Derek. But let's just be us. And happy for once. We deserve the happily ever after."

"What if I hurt you again?"

"What's an epic love story without a little more bloodshed?"

"I love you so much, Meredith. I don't think I could ever say how I feel. It's one of those indescribable all-consuming type of things.

"I know, Derek. I love you too. Just the same way."

"Can I kiss you? Really kiss you?" He's still sounding a little like the unconfident Derek I had come back to, but it's getting strong. It's getting better.

We're getting better.

I lean my head back and laugh. "God damn it. Finally you figure it out."

And he kisses me with all the passion of the last nearly 6 years apart. With all the pain that we've both gone through. I feel myself melt into his arms, as my knees go weak and I am grateful he is there to hold me up. When that kind of love is held onto for so long, it becomes explosive.

We were exploding.

Kissing him I think of all that we have gone through, all that has shaped us. And I wonder how we're still holding onto it, the us that makes it all worthwhile. The us that is the most important.

As he pulls away and gives me the McDreamy eyes and the McDreamy smile, I realize it doesn't really matter. "Let's go home Derek."

"Yeah, Em's probably fallen asleep by now."

I laugh. It feels brand new.

"Yeah, we have to get both of you home to bed. And me on the couch."

"Der, if you promise to be quiet, you don't have to sleep on the couch tonight." I say, a sly smile spreading over my lips as I grab my hand. That kiss had left me wanting more.

"I'm not the noisy one."

"I beg to differ."

"Tomorrow we should go look at paint chips."

"Can't. Promised Cristina I'd help her with the starting of the wedding plans."

"She sure moves fast."

"She's Cristina."

"Mer, when are we going to get married?"

**First . . .that last part, from I'm not the noisy one on . . .if it was an episode, picture that whole conversation being them walking as the screen fades to dark and the "Grey's Anatomy" thing comes up. So Derek is saying "When are we going to get married?" at that screen.**

**Second . . .this chapter was probably extremely cheesy. And I don't care. They had a lot of angst in this fanfic. They deserve cheese.**

**Third . . . there may be Veronica Mars fans reading this, so I am giving credit where credit is due. That "epic love" story thing . . .I stole it from that show. Because I love it . . .I think it may be my second favourite show. And I love Logan and Veronica. They ARE my second fave tv couple. So yeah, I stole it good.**

**Fourth . . .I don't think there's too much explaining that needs to go on for this chapter. It's pretty much just a really beautiful Meredith and Derek scene. I think you get that. As for Derek being unconfident about it all . . .I really like the idea that Meredith broke him when she ran away. And a broken Derek would be unconfident. Because it would be a switch from the cocky arrogant bastard that we all know and love. **

**Fifth . . . I don't know if I want this to be the last chapter or not. I am toying with the idea of adding one more chapter . . .a "Another 5 years into the future" type of thing to show where they all end up. Because I HATE when books leave out the happily ever after. I think I may want to show the happily ever after. However, at the same time . . .I liked how this ended it. So opinions? One more chapter or leave it at that?**

**So you know the drill . . .read, love, review.**

**(I have a big final thing to say, but as this may not be the last chapter I'm not writing it yet . . .if it is, I will add the final thought on as another thing)**


	20. Better Together

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy we would not be in the middle of a summer hiatus. Because this life without new episodes of GA is literally killing me. Besides, most of the actors didn't take the time off anyway; they're just working at other things.**

**So here it is the last chapter, you're happily ever after. Because ultimately, I had no votes for me not to write this, everyone wanted it. So here it is. And yes, this is the last last chapter. Sorry.**

**This chapter happen five years into the future. Meredith's POV is basically a flashback (hence the italics). Derek's explains where they are now.**

**GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA**

Meredith's POV:

I rest my head on my pillow as I listen to the water run in the shower, as my husband prepares himself for his day that was starting far too early. I yearned to join him, to distract him. But he had an important surgery in an hour and had to get there on time. And I needed sleep. It wouldn't be long till I had to wake the kids up.

Instead of sleeping, I lay there and think.

Life had changed in the past five years, in way I had never expected until I stood over that big hole. And people think I'm talking figuratively when I say that. There really was a big hole.

As I hear my husband start to hum in the shower, something he had started doing in the last five years, I gaze at the ring on my finger.

_"Derek, I know what the house looks like, why am I blindfolded?" I asked, as he held me by the shoulders, carefully leading me from the trailer to the top of the hill where our finished house now stood._

_"It's a surprise." All he said._

_"Derek, I know it's finished. It's no surprise."_

_"Just trust me."_

_"Der, we move in tomorrow. Shouldn't we be at home packing?"  
"Yes. After the surprise."_

_Derek knows I don't like surprises. In my life surprises had always led to bad things. Surprise . . .you're dad is leaving. Surprise . . . you're boyfriend is married. Surprise . . . you're boyfriend is staying married. Surprise . . .you're pregnant. Bad things._

_Of course, there was Surprise . . .there's a big hold in the ground._

_Maybe I should trust him. Those other surprises had been years ago._

_"I don't want to trust you."_

_"You never do. Too stubborn, Mer."_

_"I like being stubborn. You like me being stubborn."_

_"Meredith, just enjoy the moment."_

_"Fine." I pout._

_Before I know what is happening, Derek has removed the blindfold and I'm staring at my new home, the one on the hill overlooking the water. The one Derek, Emily and I were going to live in. Together. _

_Candles fill every window._

_"Surprise."_

_"Derek. Wow. It's beautiful."_

_"See, it was a surprise. And it's not over." He says taking my hand gently. I find myself wondering how he had gotten so romantic. In the last 6 months we had taken to finish the house things had just improved more and more between us. It was good this time. We were good. But through it all, he had never been like this. _

_We entered the house together and he released my hand, leaving my free to wander around. The front entrance was full of lavender scented candles, and rose peddles littered the floor. "You better be planning on cleaning that up by tomorrow." I laugh, feeling a little breathless._

_"I will. Explore Meredith, look around your home. Our home." He says and disappears in another direction._

_I walk, taking in my fill of every beautiful room. The house is perfect, the one I had always dreamed of. It felt right to be moving here with my family. Family. I had never really expected one of those. Tonight each room was empty of furniture, as that would come tomorrow. Instead they were filled with candles and rose peddles._

_Finally I make it up to the master bed room, and find my McDreamy standing in the middle of the room, that's filled with candles and peddles like all the rest. And along the walls rest picture frames, framed pictures of the wonderful life we were sharing together. Pictures of Emily and us. Pictures of us. _

_My breath hitches. I know what's about to happen._

_"Marry me, Mer?"_

_Silently I nod my head, to choked up by emotion to even attempt to squeeze a word out. I walk closer to him and allow him to slip the diamond ring onto my finger. Our eyes meet. His are filled with tears, matching mine.._

_"I know we said slow, but Mer, this is right."_

_I nod my head. "I love you, Derek."_

_"I love you too, Meredith."_

_He leans in and kisses me. I kiss him back, in a way I never had before. Giving myself to him completely, knowing that he is what completes me. Without another word, we start to remove each other's clothing, silently making love, surrounded by candles, peddles and picture frames._

_The candlelight glistening off the diamond._

Wiping a tear from my eye I slowly come back from my memory of that night. Up until the day we got married that had been the best moment of my life. When everything had finally made sense. It had been so perfect.

The man I loved had made it so perfect.

Not thinking of surgeries, or the children that needed waking, I leaped out of bed and ran to the washroom, hoping that Derek wasn't too close to being done his shower.

He wasn't.

I stepped in behind him, he was too lost in thought to even notice me. I silently wrapped my arms around him. He leaned back and sighed, a happy sound. One of completion.

"I love you, Derek Shepherd."

"I love you too, Meredith Shepherd." he said, with a smile as he turned around to meet me. To meet my face. To meet my lips.

He was going to be late for work. Chief Burke would just have to understand.

_Mmm, it's always better when we're together _

_Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together _

_Well, it's always better when we're together _

_Yeah, it's always better when we're together _

Derek's POV:

Today had been a long day at SGH.

I had been running late because of the run in with Mer in the shower earlier on in the day. But that had been nice. The two back to back surgeries I had hadn't been so nice. Besides, the hospital just didn't feel the same anymore.

It was lonely without Meredith there.

She was still on maternity leave from having Ashley 6 months before.

Today had been a long day. I was beyond happy to be home.

"Honey?" I ask, as I entered the door, trying to hide the flowers I had brought home for her behind my back.

"Derek! You're home! Finally." Meredith said, rushing to give me a quick peck hello. "The DVD player is acting weird, and Kaden wants to watch his video so he's not happy at all. And when Kaden's not happy . . ."

"No one is." Kaden, my two year old son, was hell on wheels. I adored him. "I'll go look at it. But first . . ." With a flourish, I pull the lavenders out from behind my back.

"Oh, Der, you shouldn't have!" Meredith exclaimed.

"Of course, I should have. You do remember what day it is?"

"I could never forget. It's the anniversary of our first shift together at Seattle Grace." Meredith said, beaming. She looked rested and happy. Beautiful.

"I'll never forget that first surgery we had together. Good old Katie Price." I said, thinking back to that day. It had changed my life.

"I love you Derek."

"I love you too Meredith. And I miss you being at the hospital with me." I lean and gently begin to kiss her, a kiss full of promises of what would come later that night, when our hellion children were finally asleep.

"Ewww. Could you two get a room or something?" Emily said walking in the back door. She was 11 now. Her parents were no longer the super heroes they had been when she was 5 going on 6. She still admired them, wanted to be a doctor just like them. But seeing them kiss was a little too much.

"Young lady, if I do remember correctly, this is my home. You just live in it. So I don't need a room."

"Whatever, Dad." Sometimes I missed the days when she had called me daddy.

I leaned over and kiss her head. "How was your first day of Grade 5?"

"Good. But my teacher's an idiot."

"Emily!" Meredith said, trying to sound stern. Stern never really sounded right on her. I just laughed.

"Why is he an idiot?" I ask, trying to look a little more serious as Meredith shot me a dirty look.

"I told him I wanted to be a surgeon when I grew up. He told me it was a lot of work and that it was all but impossible. And then he said maybe I should think of something else I wanted to do. Something else!" She threw her hands in the air, looking exasperated.

"Did you tell him who your parents are?"

"I did. I said to him that he obviously had never met my parents. That they were the Shepherds. And he looked at me blankly."

"Blankly? The name didn't ring a bell?" I said, starting to silently agree with my daughter that the man was an idiot.

"It didn't. So I explained that you two were famous neurosurgeons. So I knew all about the hard work."

"He must have loved that." Meredith muttered under her breath, putting the flowers in a vase.

"Some people are so clueless." Emily said, with a roll of her eyes.

"He must have been less than happy with you." Meredith said, but I could tell she was fighting off a smile.

"He was even less amused when I explained to him in detail the craniotomy that dad let me watch last week. He kind of turned green, a little too squeamish if you ask me."

"Emily." Meredith. Trying to be stern again.

I just laughed. "I remember when you used to be too squeamish to touch worms."

"Worms are gross. Brain surgery is cool."

"Well if you think it's so cool, you should go do your homework. So you can be that surgeon one day, and prove to your teacher he was wrong."

"Will do, Mother. However, I need a snack first." Emily responded cheerfully reaching into the cookie jar. Izzie always managed to stop by often enough to keep it full.

"You're so cute when you're trying to be stern." I said, walking to stand beside my wife and nuzzling the side of her neck.

"I am not!"

"Oh, that's what you think. But cute is good. I like cute."

Meredith laughed. "Oh, don't I know it."

"Ew. You two are disgusting happy people. It's gross." With that Emily turned to walk upstairs.

"Remember when Izzie was Emily's favourite aunt? I miss those days. I think our daughter has been spending far too much time with Cristina as of late" I say, fishing a cookie out of the jar.

"She is starting to sound a little too much like her."

"It's scary. She should be a mini-me. Or you. Not mini-Cristina."

Meredith just sighed, in a tired way. It still managed to sound happy.

"Remember, tomorrow since you have the day off we're going to spend it with everyone."

"Big family reunion, how could I forget?"

"It will be fun, Der."

"It will. I would be more fun pawning the children off on the Burkes and having you all to myself."

"Derek." She's trying to sound stern again. "We can't pawn them off to Cristina and Preston. Cristina is 9 months pregnant! And you just said that Emily spends too much time with her."

"Okay, the Karevs can take them. Or George."

"No they can not. Izzie would feed them all day. And George can't take care of the three all by himself. It's family day, Der. We're part of that family."

"Fine," I said, pretending to pout. I really was looking forward to tomorrow, but I loved my wife. Alone time with her was just as tempting. Before I could finish my thought Kaden came barreling into the room. That was how our son traveled, didn't walk, didn't run, barreled.

"Daddy!" he yelled, grabbing onto my legs. As I bent over to pick him up, I caught Meredith's eye.

"Sometime soon, though, we are pawning the brats off and going somewhere alone."

"That would be nice, Der. Really nice." She said smiling. It had been over two years since our last time truly alone. We were happy, our marriage was good. But it was time to be alone again.

Before I could say anything else, Ashley's cry sounded out over the baby monitor. "Ashley Crisitna Shepherd, what is your problem today?" Meredith asked looking into the monitor. "She's been crying all day."

"Want me to go check on her?" I asked.

"No, you take care of Kaden and the dvd player. I've got this." Meredith said, giving me a quick peck on the cheek and heading upstairs.

She turned back one last time just as she exited the door and sent me I smoldering smile. I love you, I mouthed, knowing she would understand. She smiled again, mouthed it back and with a sigh ran up the stairs.

"So Kaden Alexander Shepherd, what seems to be the problem?" I said looking down at the beautiful blond haired boy in my arms. Some how are only son ended up having Meredith's hair. I was starting to wonder if we needed to have another son, so he could inherit my hair.

"Mommy broke it."

I laughed, and Kaden laughs with me,

I love my life in a way I didn't even know was possible.

**Phewh! Derek's side of this story ended up being about 100 times longer than it was supposed to be. But I started writing it and was having so much fun with it I just didn't want to stop. So long it is.**

**In case you missed things . . .Derek and Meredith now have 3 children. Emily (who is 11). Kaden (who is 2). And Ashley (who is 6 months). Derek is slowly coming to the conclusion he wants another. Burke and Cristina are married, and Cristina is pregnant. And the Karevs . . . that would be Alex and Izzie. And George is still single …not because I don't want to see him find someone, but this story was too Mer/Der centric to introduce anyone new for him. And I hate him with Callie.**

**Meredith's side is the flashback, because I thought of this beautiful proposal and had to throw it in. And Derek doesn't make a speech, all he says is marry me . . .because I personally hate before proposal speeches. Let the proposal speak for itself. **

**Derek's side is just a random evening in the life of the Shepherds. And I LOVE it. How he comes home with flower for Meredith, and she all thankful and they're romantic but they get sidetracked by the kids, who need things. And the DVD player is broken. And their 11 year old has an attitude. And the baby's crying. And the two year old barrels places. And Derek is just begging to find some alone time with Mer, who's the love of his life. To me that whole scene just captured the every day normal life, but still has such a happiness to it, that is only possible with Derek and Meredith.****They're so happy it hurts. And they're happy with the normalcy of it all. And they're still so in love. Who doesn't want that for them? God, I really loved that scene.**

**So this is it. This story is now finished. No matter how much begging you all do. But thanks for begging! Seriously. I really had a lot of fun writing this one, tons of fun. I've written a lot of different things before, but never had this much fun with it. I loved it. And thanks for all the feedback and praise. I'm glad to know my work is appreciated. Thank you for everything, you guys are the best! (which is obviously why you're GA fans).**

**And although this is the end of this story, don't be sad. I'll still be around writing. Watch for My Season 3 . . .which I have already started but it's going to be modified to fit a different scenario (the icky one in which Finn is around for 6 episodes). And also I have a few more purely Mer/Der ideas in my head. Some unexpected. But it will all be good. So this isn't goodbye! I have too many GA thoughts in my head to end things here. I have like 3 fanfics already written in my head. So please, stay tuned!**


	21. Hey Everyone!

**Hey everyone!**

**Yes this story is still done, lol, not adding another chapter or anything, but needed to give people a head's up. Because right now I'm really pissed. And I mean really.**

**As some of you may know another writer on here, Fate Believer, recently had the problem of someone stealing her story and pretending it was their own on another forum. Well as it turns out, I'm having the exact same problem. From the exact same girl. She's still posting under Fate Believer but claiming GraveDancer is one of her older nicknames. She is posting Chasing Cars (yes, probably my best known fanfic) and claiming it as her own. And everyone over there is eating it up.**

**Just wanted to let people know, that the girl on there posting this is not me. Especially any girls that may have read this over there, and came here to read the completed version. **

**I am sorely tempted to stop posting fanfics if this kind of crap continues. Because I spend hours doing this. I pour my soul into these things and I love every minute. But it's a lot of hard work. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that this person thinks she can go and claim it as her own. I am so disgusted it's not even funny. If I could find a way to sue this girl I would, no word of a lie. This is wrong. I am so mad it's not even funny. **

**http/fanficga.5. . . .there's the thread if you want to check the writer out. The best part is my telling her off at the end. I called her pedestrian and cruel. And trust me, she will be dealt with, I don't know how exactly (I've contacted the real Fate Believer to find out what she did) but it will be dealt with. She is not getting away with stealing my stuff. No.**

**I've had my videos stolen before, and that angered me, but this, this is personal. Because my videos are a hobby, I just make them because it's a fun way to pass time. But these fanfics, they're my babies. I want to write when I'm done school, it's all I've ever wanted to do. To have my words stolen from me is a slap in the face. **

**Okay, done ranting, well probably not but you're probably getting tired of reading this. So done ranting. And btw I probably won't actually stop posting fanfics, because I love writing them far too much, but right now I almost feel like I could and well should.**

**To all my fans, thanks so much for reading my fics. I love you all, I really do. Those girls who have me on alert, those who seek me out on the ABC board to beg for an update, you make my day every time. As I said, writing's all I've ever wanted to do, so to know others out there enjoy my writing, it's amazing. Even more important . . .my older brother and younger sister are the type that have always known who they were and what they wanted. And always got complimented for special talents. I was the lost middle child who wasn't anything special. But finally, I've found what I'm good at, and I get recognized for it (did you know Chasing Cars is actually on a C2 of the best fics on the site?) and I love the feeling. So thanks everyone for giving me that. And trust me, they will continue.**

**Grave**


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